Jump in an go... is that really a good idea? Has the person of this advice considered the need for trainning? How can a person just automatically survive without swimming lessons. Sure, they might be able to tread water for a moment, but don't you want this to last?
I warned this couple that they were sprouting up too fast. In the end, they didn't know how to solve their problems because they went to immediately having sex. They wanted all the good stuff, but weren't prepared to sit through the uncomfortable stuff. Relationships are tough work sometimes. There are compromises that each person has to make; sometime pride just has run away with its tail between its legs because it just doesn't belong in a relationship.
I'll have to continue this later. Erick is here!
We are going to get new glasses for me!! yay!

I'm tired :(

I'm being forced to sit here and listen to my annoying roommate read from this book that she bought. I just want her to shut up already. I know she bought 300 bucks worth in books at Barnes and Noble. ya ya... what a waste I say. She didn't even buy any good books. I mean come on... buy some classics. I've been dying to get some good political philosophy books... I've read a bunch this year and I can't get enough... and yet, she just buys all these random stuff.
oye... I mean come on... don't you wonder why poor unfortunate people are raised in a house with no money or anything and yet there are these people that have everything and yet appreciate everything. They come flaunting their crap around all excited that they now have two nintendo DS... and then there are the rest of us who get a few things. I'm very happy with my things... I just don't want to hear about them... come on!!

I'm so done with this stuff... oye

I had a pretty rough day yesterday. I was a little sad when my roommate walked in with 100s of dollars worth in presents including a brand new Nintendo DS... which she got because she didn't like the white one she already had... she needed a pink one! aye!
It was very sad for me to have her walk in and be all excited about it when my day had been all about how my nana has been sick and near death and my everyone is sick and in the hospital.

anyway... enough feeling bad for myself. I got a couple gift cards for Target... which I combined to buy Grey's Anatomy season 2!! I'm so excited. I'm watching it right now... so bye!!

New Year Survey

1. Go to a party? Ya I went to a couple good parties this year, though I don't know if any of them are worth really mentioning. Justins party was pretty fun... the open bar was AMAZING!
2. Try something new? I tried my first cosmopolitan and washington apple :)
3. Have something change your life? I have gained three amazing roomates. They impact me every day :)
4. Kiss someone? Erick William Lange... the Love of my life!
5. Tell your family and friends you love them? I do a lot actually
6. Buy something extravagant? umm... I paid for tuition. I haven't spent as much money as I did last year. But, then again, I'm living in an apartment this year. I have more things to pay for.
7. Do something nice for you? Erick and I went to Vegas a few weeks ago and we went to Vegas back in April.
8. Do something terribly wrong? I think I've taken things for granted. I'll learn to be more what God wants me to be as I grow up. I suppose it is apart of life.
9. Move? I lived in the cottages last semester then I moved out to Highland and now I'm back on campus but in the apartments.
10. Go to a concert? Most recently, I saw the Toasters and the B-Sharps, Mad Caddies, Streetlight, Westbound Train, and Reel Big Fish... I know that there were more... I just can't remember any of them right now.

Best of the Year:
1. Party: My birthday party was pretty fun... until I threw up :(
2. Show: Grey's Anatomy, Heros!!!, General Hospital...
3. CD: Panic! At the Disco - A Fever you can't Sweat Out
4. Movie: Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Chronicles of Naria, Star Wars series except episode 1, Oceans 11, and some more... Lady in the Water :D
5. Song:
6. Experience: Joining chamber Choir, my trips to Catalina, finding that Erick is the one I love....
7. Concert: Ska is Dead 2 and the Mae/Relient K concert
8. Book: Utopia
9. Month: September...
10. Day: the 11th :)

Worst of the Year:
1. Party: The second party at Cliff's house was craptastic!
2. Show: One Tree Hill? haha... :)
3. CD: Tower of Power? no, I guess I don't really have a worst cd.
4. Movie: there was a move that I can't remember... maybe because I put it out of my memory.
5. Song: again, I don't think I have a worst song
6. Experience: Throwing up!!
7. Concert: I got hurt at the Streetlight concert... but, it was still a great concert!!!
8. Book: I don't read books that I don't love
9. Month: May through August when I was stuck in Highland
10. Day: there were a couple of day during the summer

Hopes for 2006:
1. Predict something that you think will happen in 2006? More War, Higher gas prices, hopefully some changes with american law will come when we are done filling places in the supreme court! :)
2. What do you hope changes about your country? I hope that it will become a better place to live. I hope that my life will not be tackled by taxes and capitalism
3. What do you hope for yourself? I hope that I will continue to grow up and figure out what I will do in the future
4. What do you hope for your family? That we will all have a place to call home again
5. What do you hope for your best friend? I hope that he will become even more of a great man of God.
6. What do you hope for the rest of your friends? I hope they find what they need this year :)
7. Do you think any amazing medical advances will be made? so let me be a little realistic... probably nothing will be amazing... probably just different forms of different medicines that will have different reactions but will never actually cure anything...

A little more than useless

I feel like
I would like
To be somewhere else
Doing something that matters
And I'll admit here
While I sit here
My mind wastes away
And my doubts start to gather
What's the purpose?
It feels worthless
So unwanted like I've lost all my value
I can't find itNot in the least bit
And I'm just scared
So scared that I'll fail You
Sometimes I think that I'm not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why
Why I'm even here at all
But then You assure me
I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
So I say if I can't
Do something significant
I'll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trivial
That life can give you will
Measure up to what might have replaced it
Too late, lookMy date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I betThat regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run
Sometimes I think that I'm not any good at allA
nd sometimes I wonder why
Why I'm even here at all
But then You assure me
I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
I'm a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna be the day
Gonna be the day that I would do something right
Do something right for onceI noticedI know this
Weak is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent itI spent it
Convincing myself
The world's doing just fine
Without me (without me)
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me (without me)
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my timeIt's my life
And my right to use it like I should
Like He wouldFor the good
Of everything that I would ever know
I'm a little more than useless
And when I think that I can't do this
You promise me that I'll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
I'm a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna be the day
Gonna be the day that I would do something right
Do something right for once

I've never been treated like this before in my whole life. I'm sick and tired of all of this arguing. Why do I keep doing this at all?

I hate you!

aye! I'm at home. I'm relaxing at home. Yesterday was fun. I went to Disneyland with Erick, Stephanie, and Victoria. It was pretty chill... except when no one was listening to me even when I had correct information. Everyone was listening to Victoria... and then we would get lost or a bad view... oye.... whatever, I had a lot of fun still.
Anyway... I'm sitting here... thinking that I have something to do. But, I can't really think of it. I don't know what the deal is. I think I'm still getting over this hectic semester. It was the worst yet.
What else is going through my mind? I had a really nice time in Vegas. I looked totally hot both nights. I think I have decided that I want to be that girl who wears purple in like every outfit. I think I look hot in a deep purple. :)
I'm pretty happy with everything that we did though.
so ya... I'm pretty much empty in thought.
I know I had something to say... but, right now I can't really remember.

So lates!

Its not completely official but, I got but, I'm pretty sure I got 1 A, 5 Bs, and a C... which makes me happy because 6 upper division classes was insane! Of course my grades are going to suffer a little with this kind of load. Bs are great though :)

Las Vegas

so... I just got back from Vegas. It was so much fun. I'm pretty sure that I was completely dehydrated this morning. I realized that I hadn't had really anything to drink the whole weekend. Just alcohol.... I didn't really drink a lot but with my meals I was ordering mojitos and sex on the beaches and midori coladas... and not water or soda. Oye!
Whatever... that is the least of my fun for the weekend.
Erick took me to the most romantic date yet. It was this really really nice italian restaurant, Fellini's. Its one of those with the waiters who actually know what they are doing. Ones that are old men with cute little suites and white gloves. It was totally romanitc. Overall, he spent like 85 bucks on dinner! Yikes! It was so good though... I ordered some kind of chicken stuffed with Riccotta cheese and these really great potatos. Erick had this Lamb Chops that were 23 dollars... which isn't the most expensive food that we've ordered... but, still... It was very cool. Along with that Erick was being his cutesie man that he is, he ordered wine and was all cute. I have to say he knows how to pick wine because the wine he picked wasn't so bad. I had a seabreeze... which made me sad because it didn't really match my food... but, its all good.
Anyway... Hey, I have to go to bed... its so late
And I'm going to Disneyland at noon tomorrow!
I'll write some more tomorrow!

I'm excited for this weekend. Las Vegas here we come! I've been inviting everyone who I could think could come... the more the merrier! A lot of people have things to do this weekend though, one person has a gig, another person has to pick his sister up from the airport, some other people I didn't even as because they have a baby now :) which is such a blessing.
Either way, I'm still looking for people to go... so if anyone is interested, you have my number. :)

Right now, I'm fighting off a cold and dealing with loads of stress. I think one thing I need to learn is to give my friends some slack. If they want to be all up on the PDA... then, I should just be aware of that and not expect anything else from them. I guess we have just grown apart a little bit since the two have become an item. I suppose I can deal with that. I know how important it is to be with the person you love. I'm with him during all of my free time. But, I suppose what is different for me is that I recognize my friends as well. I'm sure its just because we've been dating for over 2 years now. We probably use to be all over each other like they are now. Its cool :)

On one note, one thing that really bugged me was their lecture on sex to us. I might become a little grouchy about this topic so brace yourself...
I don't appreciate someone telling me how bad it is going to be and laughing that we are so "inexperienced" and how funny its going to be when we get married. It is ridiculous for someone to say something like that. I know that its not going to be as great as it could be without some practice, however I do strongly believe it is going to be more than just how it feels. For me it is going to be something profound. I've waited for Erick and he for me. I think that is going to mean more to me than how it feels the first time. We have the rest of our lives to make it perfect, we only have one first time.
I don't know, maybe I'm looking at it differently than they are. They didn't way until they got married. They have had sex with other people too. Maybe, I'm the only one in the whole world that thinks this way... all I know is that for me, I've waited 21 years of my life... and not just because it is going to be good (and sure that is part of it), but because I only want to share this with the person I love. So anyway... how dare someone laugh at me and make me feel insecure about a decision I have choosen to make. I think this decision is the best choice I have ever made. And considering that they have told me the problems they have to deal with because they had sex with other people... I think I'm in the green! :D

Anyway... I should be writing my paper. I have about an hour before I get pooped out and tired.
I miss writing in here. Its been super busy this semester. 18 units... all of them academic. I know for a fact that this isn't exactly normal... most people I know who were taking 18 units were taking a couple of choirs and music performances plus some lower division and PE. I'm taking 5 upper division (4 history and 1 political science) which basically means 5 papers and a second language... which means 150 vocab words plus grammer rules and translation deals... Greek is kicking my butt!
As I get off topic... I think I'll end now! Bye!

I'm tired and exhausted. I don't know why I wear myself so thin. It is difficult to imagine the things that I am putting myself through.
I'm still attempting to revise the United States in this thought paper due Monday. However, I am having a difficult time. With every solution comes a different problem. It is hard for me to truly find something wrong with the system that could realistically be solved. Overall, we could say that we hate America and the way things are runned but, do you think things could really be changed? And, if we hate America so much, what would change it to? People are too greedy for a communal system or a even a monarchy.
This is the hardest paper I have ever had to do in my life.
And on top of this I still have to study for my other tests! urg!

You stupid inconsiderate whore! I'm sick of you changing plans and being stupid because Jason wants you to. I'm sick of you making and canceling plans for no reason at all. Don't push your F ing self in just to cancel. I didn't want you to be at Disneyland... but, you pushed your way in... and now, you can't go because stupid Jason doesn't want you. Well screw you guys... I'm not making any more plans with you if you are going to be dumb. I don't know why I always forget that you are freaking dumb.
You spoiled little whore!!

stupid computer!! I'm so sick of it!
I had to borrow Erick's computer to get somethings done!!

"Shiver" by Coldplay (string tribute)

Just chillin... listening to a string quartet tribute mix including 311, Korn, Coldplay, the Smiths (which is what is on right now), Duran Duran, and some more. I saw that there was a Relient K one... I want it so bad!
Anyway... I just woke up. I read a little from one of my books. I think I'll do my homework for Greek in my Ancient World class. I'm exhausted. I'm sick of school at this point. I would be happy just laying in my bed all day. Is this what happens ever year? I would almost be happier going to a school with a quarter system. Why isn't that possible?
So, I should get back to work. I'm a senior now... and I'm beginning to freak out about what I'm going to be doing after college. I don't have enough money to get my credential... but, do I even want to get mine? What would I do if I didn't? Its all very crazy. Either way, I need more money to get my masters. It really sucks that I can't. I would kill to get my masters.
I don't know how I could get this work. One thing that might be good is that Erick and I should be getting married in about a year and a half. We'll be graduated in a year. So, I'll be able to atleast go back to school part time, while I get a job in a museum or something. I wouldn't mind working in a law firm either. Though, I think a museum would be amazing. They have some pretty good ones around here... atleast until I get some more experience to do something else.
Anyway... I'm done with all of this worrying. I need to pass my classes first! :)
LATES

It is another day and I still haven't even progressed in my paper adventure! oye! I think my problem is that I don't really know as much as I think I do... and I need to just sit down and read it all. I'm considering printing it all out and bring it with me to Disneyland where I can highlight key things that I want. So what if its going to be like 20 pages. Its something I need to do. I have a freaking hundred percent in that class!

On a side note, I was pretty emotional last night. It might be because of all this crazy homeworking (as Erick would say) that I've been doing. It worked out though. I had a good time with Victoria, Jason, Mike, and Erick. They are the greatest friends. Even with Jason is grouchy because he is tired... I still love him. Even when he invites himself over to play games and then gets tired through the middle of it and makes a big scene... I still love him. :)
Anyway... I'm going to go work on this paper a little more.
This government one is really kicking me in the butt. How can I possibly create a government? I think I'm oging to reform our government, and make it more like the ancient chinese with strict testing for all public officials. I have no idea how I could impliment that.... I guess I would have to have a revolution, like I was saying yesterday before I dotted off. Sometimes when I'm doing something I dot off because I start doing something else and forget about things. Erick finally discovered my blog hours later and asked me what I should do with it. And, to his reply, I said, "Just send it... I'll deal with it later"
Anyway... I've decided just to leave it!
So lates!

Concentrate!!

Is this what it is like to be a guy? I'm unable to concentrate on what I need to do. I feel like my mind has shut off. I'm usually a really great writer, but I'm really challenged right now. I have no idea what I'm doing at this point. I feel like I'm taken on too much. As Bilbo said, I feel like I'm not enough butter being spread over a lot of bread. I'm freaking out here! I have three papers due in the next week. I've tried to start them. I've been sitting here thinking and trying to write... but, nothing really comes out that makes sense. How the crap am I suppose to even start a paper creating a government. I have no idea!! I don't claim to be a great philosopher. I guess my problem is that I have a hard time starting things if I know it won't be perfect. I know that what ever government I choose to create, there will be flaws. What kind of government can even be implimented in this state of America? People are so ignorant. People don't like change. They don't know whats good for them or even what kind of government we have, much less be able to grasp a new form of government. Maybe this mean that in order for a new government to form in America an revolution would have to take place; one of either war or protest. Education of America's flaws must be publicized. Though I know this would make our government appear to be flawed. It is hard for America to go on without a smudge of pride.
I think one thing that has hurt our perception of government are our freedoms. Freedom of speech and what ever else has limited our national pride. How many people do you see respect our president because he is our president? Not many! Many people hate him. I think this works with other president, not just president Bush. Telivision shows

Concentrate!!

Is this what it is like to be a guy? I'm unable to concentrate on what I need to do. I feel like my mind has shut off. I'm usually a really great writer, but I'm really challenged right now. I have no idea what I'm doing at this point. I feel like I'm taken on too much. As Bilbo said, I feel like I'm not enough butter being spread over a lot of bread. I'm freaking out here! I have three papers due in the next week. I've tried to start them. I've been sitting here thinking and trying to write... but, nothing really comes out that makes sense. How the crap am I suppose to even start a paper creating a government. I have no idea!! I don't claim to be a great philosopher. I guess my problem is that I have a hard time starting things if I know it won't be perfect. I know that what ever government I choose to create, there will be flaws. What kind of government can even be implimented in this state of America? People are so ignorant. People don't like change. They don't know whats good for them or even what kind of government we have, much less be able to grasp a new form of government. Maybe this mean that in order for a new government to form in America an revolution would have to take place; one of either war or protest. Education of America's flaws must be publicized. Though I know this would make our government appear to be flawed. It is hard for America to go on without a smudge of pride.
I think one thing that has hurt our perception of government are our freedoms. Freedom of speech and what ever else has limited our national pride. How many people do you see respect our president because he is our president? Not many! Many people hate him. I think this works with other president, not just president Bush. Telivision shows

As I have already said on my myspace blog... I rearranged my schedule tonight to I could squeeze out Old Testament Survey and in Comparative World Views... in the end, I'm stuck taking Admin law... which I'm not too happy about. I just hope that Globalization moves to a spot so I can take that... or maybe, I'll consider taking a night class. I'm pretty happy about my other classes though... Tolkien should be good :)

Its been a long weekend... I know I forgot something!!

let me just say... for once!

It is hard for me to explain the problem I, and the rest of my roommates are having with our other roommate. Let me just start from the beginning...
There was this girl down the way who had her boyfriend spend the night at her apartment from Thursday to Tuesday. Her roommate, did not feel comfortable with him there. She went home over the weekend and came back and he was still there. She couldn't tell her roommate so she spent the next few nights at our house. One of my roommates and I felt really bad and could see what kind of a position this roommate had put this other roommate in so in order to find more information we went to our RA anonymously to find out what would happen to the roommate that was too uncomfortable to go home. We didn't give any names... it was all hypothetical. Our RA said that she could get in trouble just for knowing what was going on... we encouraged her to talk to her roommate about having him leave... but, she didn't want to start conflict... so we just left it.
A week or so later, it comes up again. This time, the girls are confronted by our RD (resident director) because she saw a guy walk up into the apartment after hours and when she sent an RA to go check on it, that apartment was the only one that didn't answer their door, even though their lights were on. The RD knew there was something fishy. She called for a meeting with the RAs. This story came up, and when our RA heard this, she had to finally speak up and say I had some girls come down to my apartment in the middle of the night asking what would happen. It was obvious then that that was who we were talking about, though at this point we had not said a word about who it was.
Our RA pulled Victoria aside the next day and said, listen I need to know their names. I need to know that we are talking about the same people. Everyone that knows and lies (whether by omition or otherwise) will get in trouble... So basically, she had to tell them.
Now, the girls who this all happened to... the apartment down the way... they flat out lied to the RD for weeks now (barely coming forth yesterday)... It got down to the point where the case had to go above our RD to her boss and her bosses boss. These girls were going to get in a lot of trouble... possible kicked out because they couldn't tell the truth. Not only that... what has really made my life a mess was that they expected everyone to lie for them and they came over here before I had even said anything accusing me of "tattling".
The girls completely forgot that it was their problem. They shouldn't have let a guy spend the night. What did they think was going to happen? I didn't even tell on them to begin with... atleast not until they were already caught by the RD of all people.
So, anyway... Monday, the RD came to three of us and said, "listen, I need you guys to come forward and write me an email explaining the details, because this girl is flat out lying to my face." Three of my four roommate had to make that descion that we wouldn't lie. And, the other one sided with them, though she would never admit it.
Here is where I am having problems. This fourth roommate has completely abandoned our apartment and our friendship... though, again, she would never admit it. She pretends that everything is ok but at the same time avoids conversations, dinners, saying simple hello or goodbyes... all of which she was well known for. I feel like she has abandoned our friendship for something that is so stupid and petty. I know that these people were her friends... but, you need to grow a backbone and some integrity one of these days.
If the RD says you are going to get in trouble for a choice that someone made... a selfish person who didn't care that it would effect everyone around her... and continued to lie about it for weeks now... why would you pick her? She's not going after your best interest... she just made you out to be a liar. She just made you out to be shady and undependable.
Overall, I'm just sick of all this avoidance. If you have a problem, lets talk about it like adults. If you are bitter with me, tell me why. I'm not even asking for you to forgive me but, atleast for the chance for an explanation. I don't that is too much to ask for, and I think that our friendship meant more than what it is being treated like now.
There isn't any more that I can say, other than that our whole house is feeling this strife. We are supposed to be sisters. If someone is growing or falling or having a hard time... we are to help each other, be there for each other... and so far that is working with my roommates... but, not this one. And, that alone, breaks my heart the most!

I'm sorry that this has been such a long blog. No one really reads this... but, I really need to just vent. I've had this bottled up in my heart for too long.
If it requires me to let go... then I will, but I really don't want to let go of a relationship that I have... one that I treasure so much... and a woman that I am so inspired by. I'm inspired by all of my roommates. They are amazing woman. We have a profound effect on each other. God truly gave us this year and has answered my prayers!
I'm done!

Drama... you go to love it right?

"Lately I'm alright
And lately I'm not scared
I've figured out
That what you do to me feels like
I'm floating on air
I don't need to know right now
All I know is I believe
In the very thing that got us here
And now I can't leave"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I have wedding fever... Its not that far away... I think I'm going to start my wedding notebook soon! Things are going so great! I'm so freaking happy!

break it down and build it up

Everytime we turn a corner, we have to push through the last difficult stretch. I love talking about my future with Erick. I have a future with him!! yay!
Its not that far away...
We've talked about everything... right down to where we are going to live and everything else... our kids are going to be amazing and smart. We are going to be stricted with them but, loving and compassionate.
I can't wait to start my life as a married couple... to have a house and to be with each other. I'm so excited because college is everything its cracked up to be. I've met the friends that I want to spend the rest of my life with... the friends I want to raise my kids with their kids. The friends I want to live next door to and come over and watch general hospital with when we are both pregnant!
I can't wait to have a cute little Quentin or Ivy or whatever other name Erick and I love!!
I love him... :) we will be engaged in like a year... can you believe it?

time for a quick sentence

What an amazing thing it is knowing that someone loves you!

Energizer bunny is dying :(

Just kiding...
Its been a long time. I have no time to do anything these days. Erick always asks why I'm never on myspace... well, one reason is because I'm in love with Facebook... but, also I'm just so busy.
To give a brief summary of whats been going on...
I went to a concert on Friday. Westward Bound (my new favorite band), Suburben Legends, Streetlight Manifest (woot woot!), and Reel Big Fish. I hairline fractured my arm and got a new shirt! yay!
I went to a costume party on Saturday. It was loads of fun!! I was hot! I was Venus!
Sunday, I carved pumpkins with my roommates and my RA and her roommate. It was fun. I carved Homestar. Its so cute. We also got a beta fish yesterday, which we conveniently named "Your Mom".
Today, I went to class and I'm going to do homework as soon as I take a nap. I'm freaking sleepy. I feel like I could sleep for like a 100 years... :) I had like 8 hours of sleep, I don't know why I'm so tired. I think I need to make up for this weekend. I spent like 4 hours in the hospital. Friday night, I only had like 4 hours of sleep :( So... anyway... I'm tired!!
I have a midterm this week... in Ancient World... I need to study so I can go out tomorrow and party it up!! woo hooo!

Ok lates!! MUAH

a list of things going on...

I'm feeling sick...
The cold has spread around the apartment and has finally caught me by the leg. I'm just feeling miserable this morning. I had to finally get out of bed because I couldn't breathe. :(
I have knotts tonight. I'm pretty excited about it. I have never been to Knotts Scary Farm.
Yesterday, I went with the Clio Society (history club) to a reinactment... It was unbelievabley fun! Erick and Maydelle came too. And, of course, Ben and Brad were there to keep us entertained.
Lets see... what else... Oh! I'm finally going to be something HOT for halloween. Like, smokin' hot! :) I'm going to be the Greek Goddess, Venus. The dress looks so cute on me. Its long enough for me to feel confortable... but, shorter than any dress I've worn in public in like 10 years. Its so cute!! I'll take a picture when I get dolled up to go to this costume party that I'm going to on Saturday.
There were some more things I had in mind to talk about... but, right now I can't remember...
Oh!! I'm getting a new phone! A Roker (from itunes) woot woot! I've only had the phone I have presently for like a month... but, I've been offered this Roker for 50 bucks... so yay! Anyway... I'm tired... I want to go watch the Duel and whatever else is on.
Ok so bye!

Judging...

Sure, we are allowed to judge... we are given the right to. But, in what way? Should we throw around fingers and throwing in the fact that we don't do it because we are perfect or should we go to our friend in secret and let them know as a friend? And once someone has made a mistake, should we continue to hold that person to this level?
I have been rudly approached to day by a person who's opinions are so strong she can't even figure out what is the write way to say them. I finally got up and left the apartment only for her to follow up her argument with a "I'm just kiding".
If you are going to be rude and tell me that what I'm doing is a sin... blah blah blah... you should make sure to know that you are sinning in the process. What sin is worse than another? They all lead you to the same place. It wouldn't matter if I had killed a person or if I had told a white lie... it doesn't matter.
I'm so sick of people who are "holy" and amazing... When are people going to realize that we are all only human? That we make mistakes every day of our lives.

So knock it off! You're bugging the world!

I'm so irratated... beyond anything I could imagine! oye!

I'm in class right... We are talking about the President as a legislator.
My friend Jessica brought her daughter to class... she is so cute! She keeps making noises and all the girls are focused on her because she's a baby... but, eh, we don't need to pay attention any way... She is so cute!!
Anyway... I'm so done right now... I'm tired! I'm completely drained! I stayed up until like 2am talking with my roommates about guys and whatever else... it was fun!
Alright, goodnight! I'll be back tonight!

I'm tired and drained... I've had a long day and a long week for that matter. This week has been good... but, overwhelming
I've met more people... some really awesome people. I'm really enjoying this year!!
I'm an active member of a fabulous club with totally awesome members and everything. I have my friends and my roommates who are amazing.
Now, I just need to get this Greek down and work on studying... Its hard when you don't have your teacher walking you through the work. I understand the concepts... but, I just cannot get the applications and the translating down! I really need to find out if they have a Greek tutor... I need one really bad. Atleast I'm able to do some of the vocab. I think I'm going to have to bring my cards with me to Knotts on Sunday.
Anyway... I think I'm going to go for now... I don't really feel like going into detail about everything that was great this week. It was great though... I even got to go to UCR on and erran with the clio society guys :)

slightly irratated

My roommates four year old brother spent the night last night. I knew it was going to be a problem when she went to class... and yep it was. 10:30 roll around and he comes into our room yelling for us to get up... so he could show us something on the tv... omgosh! I knew he wouldn't sleep in like I wanted to.
I just think its very inconsiderate. I have to get up early every other day of the week... and I have one single day to sleep in and relax and I woken up by yelling! I couldn't even go to bed early last night because he was up until like one running around and yelling.

Anyway... I'm tired... and I know I putting everything out of proportion but, I was really looking forward to sleeping. It was my motivation for the whole week.

On another note, yesterday was a good date. Erick and I went to Disneyland, and then we went to the beach. It was cool because it had just finished raining and the sand felt cool under my feet because it was all bumpy and soft from the rain. The sky was cloudy but pretty and way, way, way off in the distance there was lightening. It was beautiful, and it made for a pretty amazing date!

so, I think I'm going to go play on myspace for a while...

Clio Society aka History Club

How much fun is that? I am now the treasurer and unofficially the Vice President! I'm happy! I love being involved in things. So much fun!
As if I had time for this... but, whatever!
I just remembered that I have something to due tomorrow! aye!!! I'm scared! Not really... but, I'll probably be up all night! I think I'll get up at like 7 tomorrow and write it then? ya... sounds good!

What an interesting night it has been! I've been watching my shows, hanging out with my girls, etc... right now, I've been studying my Greek flash cards. What a pain! I don't even have all of last weeks down correctly much less these weeks! I'm also freaking out because there is this chart I'm supposed to know for tomorrow and I don't understand it. I think I'm going to have to just memorize it and word vomit all over the paper so I can still get a good grade. Then, when my teacher comes back, hopefully I'll be able to get it. I'm a little anoyed with my teacher because we have to start chapter 9 for next Tuesday but, we ahven't even gone over chapter 8! oye!

Anyway... I'm done for now... I just remembered that there is a paper I have to have written for Friday. Shouldn't be too hard though... I need to squeeze the reading in sometime tomorrow, then I'll write it tomorrow night!
I love Erick.... muah! :)
He's making me a suprise! I love suprises from Erick!

"PMS... I'm going to punch you in the face!"

I feel sick... from eating Mcdonald :(

I think I'm going to puck on top of being nausus because of my pmsing :( I'm the saddest beh behs.

On other news, we got our wifi working! It is the best news since the day we went grocery shopping. Also, today Victoria went shopping with her mom and got us all the essentials... like toliet paper, recycling cans, and some more stuff... oh and Cream Cheese... so we don't have to steal any more from the caff! What a great day! :)

Any whos... I'm done... for now!
I'm happy because I can sit here and watch tv and use the internet at the same time.

A couple, completely random pictures... but, can you tell I'm 30lbs lighter now? :) Yay for weightloss!

"I'm so lost without you" - Mae

I cracked open Mae today... as you can see. I'm almost done with Destination: Beautiful... and I'll soon be moving on to Everglow... that is if I don't breakdown and turn on Shawn Mcdonald.

Today has gone by really fast surprisingly. It was nice. Before I knew it I had gone to all of my classes and I was watching General Hospital.
Tomorrow is dollar tuesdays! I'm pretty pumped about that! I love Ice Cream... and I definately love ice cream that is only a dollar! I think I'm going to get the rock n' pop again! :)

What else did I want to write about? I finished my book, On Government by Cicero. I love these political theory books. They are amazing! I have an option of writing a paper creating a government or reforming an existing government (13-15 page). I think I'm going to do that rather than take the final. I know that 15 pages will be a whole lot for me to tag on to what I already have assigned... but, I think it will stretch me. I can't even begin to think of where to start. My professor is like diety around here at CBU... not really... but, he is really really respected as a high up philosophy guy. I don't want to sound stupid! I think I want to create a reformed government based on a strong education in the younger years or I want to create one that could have taken place in early California history... when there was no law.... or omgosh I just thought of a good one... what would happen if California seperated and created its on republic and what kind of government it would form. That sounds good! I'm going to try and make it half of a history report and half a political theory something... like Cicero did. :)
Anyway... I'm done for tonight! I have cramps... I must go to sleepys!
"The momments magic swept us away..." - Mae

I've been taking momments were I pause and look at everything... I need to keep my eye on the prize. How lazy and distracted I am... and, have become. What could be more important than spending time with my maker. I don't even have time to spend on my space... but, I'm sure I could rearrange my study time to be more productive... :)

I have had a really really good weekend. The details are not important, but what is important is how happy I am right now. I mean, I know I keep saying it, but I'm geniunely happy. It is so much different than last year. My roommates aren't butt faces.

Anyway... I really need to get back to doing my homework. I have to write a journal on Cicero's On Government by the end of the night... which means that I need to read a little more so I know what to write about. I hoped to go to Dave and Busters tonight... but, I spent all my money at Old Spaghetti Factory last night!
oh well!

Soak it in... breath it... "life"

I was coming home from Disneyland late last night when this song came in. I let it soak deep into my soul. I'm so happy with life right now and I'm thankful for what God has brought me. These can be the best times. I'm young and I don't have bills to worry about or babies to feed. And, though I really want a child and a marriage and everything "grown ups" have, I'm so happy with what I have right now. I love being able to go to Disneyland on a whim and staying up with my roommates until 2am, laughing.
Soak it in, its life.
I'm stressed and over absorbed. I have my bad days and my good days, but I'm unbelievably thankful for what have been given. Its unpredictable, but its mine.

So read these lyrics and soak it in... this is the time of your life, so make it yours!

"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Shakey and Nervous!!

I'm feeling very over whelmed at this point. Some said that it was ridiculous for me to take 5 upper division classes and a language this semester.... and at this point I'm starting to agree. What was I thinking? I'm freaking out here... I have a quiz in Greek, which I'm unprepared for because I've spent this whole week preparing for my Congress and the President (POL390). Plus, friday, I have a history of California test... which shouldn't be too bad... I just need to make some flash cards... I love my flash cards. I always stock up on multi-colored 3X5 cards at the beginning of each semester because I use them a whole lot.
Anyway... back to my point... I'm feeling crazy and over absorbed! I cannot focus on my cards and memorize because I have a migrane and I feel nautious! I've been studying too much. I predicted a small cold coming along from all this stress. I feel like I don't even have any time with Erick because all I can ever do is study. :( Though, I'm being dramatic because I hang out with him all weekend and for the few hours he comes over after school. Anyway... I want to see him more. I'm going through withdraws because we spent like every waking momment during the summer together and now he has school all day and I have my school work all day... and when are together, we are usually with my roommates and Jason... I shouldn't complain. It is what I always wanted... a circle of friends who geniuenly care about me... not that I haven't had it before in individuals... but, never 3 great women at the same time! I remember last year, Amy use to say that Sex in the City was unrealistic because no one has that many best friends... but, I can honestly say that I do. I love my roommates (and Jason). They are amazing. They let me cry and I let them cry... even when we don't know what to say... :) I'm so blessed!
Ok for real now!! I need to go to bed and be refreshed... Seek Week is this week and my classes start earlier! :(
Atleast Jeff Lewis is teaching tomorrow! Which should be good!

No more room... :(

I am officially on overload from Greek. I'm sitting here trying to absorb it... but, omgosh... nothing more will fit today! I can go from Greek to English... but, I can't remember the English to Greek! Atleast I know my noun endings and my definative articles... and I have these flash cards... I can study tomorrow after my mind relaxs. The quiz is tomorrow but not until like 11:20 or so... I hope to have them completely studied by then. I really want to pass this class with an A... or a B+.... but, I'm really shooting for an A! I have a 95% right now and I got a 93% on my first exam... I just need to maintain my homework and my 10s on Quizzes... That's why its so important that I don't miss class!

I'm almost done with my memory verse and its getting easier translating the stuff that I should know how to do. I soared through this weeks translating like nothing... not like nothing... but, considering that I know the word endings... it is easier for me to make sense of it all. This class is amazing. I'm starting to see what the Greek really meant! I almost wanted to cry when I read my memory verse for crying out loud... because it is about God being with me every single day until the end of the age! :) Its amazing in the words of Stephanie!
I'm really blessed... I love my roommates and I love my life right now!
MUAH

I'm little bitter right now... I have come to terms with almost everything this new relationship represents, however I cannot forget the inconsiderateness that is a result of it... "forget all other plans when making out is involved". Get over it! Your brother needed you tonight... and you pawned him off on people who had to go to sleep early because they actually have something to do on Monday... And, even though I probably made it to be earlier than Erick... it ruins my day and my plans when Erick is too tired to roll out of bed and have breakfast with me on his first day of school.
I do not want a repeat of the last couple semesters just because Jason cannot respect that fact that he needs to go to bed early... which mind you isn't even that early!
Whatever... I'm sure I won't be as mad but, maybe I'll just try not to hang out with him as much. Its very disappointing... but, what should I do? Should I hold my trust out in my palm for him to trample over? maybe... or Maybe not! :)

In other news, I have class in about 40 minutes... History of California. I don't really enjoy this class... I thought I would more than I am. Maybe its because I'm tired all the time... This morning my roommates alarm went off at 6 and then like 6:30 and that was anoying because that fool wasn't even in the room. She fell asleep in the living room doing her homework, and of course none of us knew how to turn it off so I think Victoria just unplugged it. It was an entertaining scene but, looking back... I'm probably that much more tired as a result of it!

Even more news, or non-news, I think Erick and I are going to Dave and Busters today... with or without Jason. But, now that I think about it, Erick has class until like 5:30, so that might not work out. Whatever... we'll go sometime this week. I love being 21! I know I don't drink that much... I drink less than all of our 21 year old friends. I just don't enjoy it unless we are at Dave and Busters or Game works or like a restaraunt. I definately don't enjoy drinking at someone's "get together" and maybe that's because I've been to too many of Cliffs!

I really have to go get ready... I'll be back later today!

"I love him, okay?" - Jessika

It was the most ridiculous thing I've heard in a long time... "Didn't you just spend like 3 hours with him and now he is calling you?" umm... excuse me? He is my best friend and boyfriend whom I plan to marry... when you have a boyfriend who you love... then you'll understand. Its not even that he called for anything but to find out if Jason was still in my house... because in that case Erick was going to come up and chill for a while with us.
I hate when this particular person is overly critical about everything. If it is something that she wouldn't do that it must be crazy!

On another note, Erick and I just spent the last couple hours spending some much needed time alone. I haven't been couped up here in the bubble we call CBU for ages now. I love it here... and I love my roommates, but I just needed some nice date time. We spent it all at the movies where we saw Jackass 2 (just as good as the first one) and going to McDonalds... which sounds uneventful... but, really its Erick's fav. fast food joint! :)
Anyway... getting back to my main point, after her anoying comment to my phone call, I responded by saying "I love him, okay?" which my other roommate and I laughed at later because it was right out of a cheesy sitcom. But, for reals now... He is my love and my boyfriend and my best friend. He isn't just a plain old boyfriend, he is my bestfriend too... it makes a difference. I confide in him. He knows all my insecurities and faults. He knows me... it would be ridiculous for me to say, "we can only see each other for 3 hours because Stephanie said so!"

Alright... I'm done! :) I'm off to do my homework. I'm so tired. Maybe, I'll just go to bed now and wake up at like 7 and do my homework then...

LATES!

Other than my anoying friend... I had a decent night last night. I love my roommates more and more every day! They are amazing woman. They are so inspiring and uplifting. We have our inside jokes now... most of them come out of being super tired...
"A tuna sandwich at Stephanie!"
"Red Light!!!"
"That's unethical!!"

I love them! :)

its just whatever

So, last night, I was pretty irratated that I was invited to the beach only to be ditched because you knows wanted to skip off into the darkness to make out for 3 hours. It was ridiculous! Then, when we all came back to play a game it was completely rude to just say "screw you guys when its not my turn" as if when its not your turn you must talk and be stupid and prevent other people from going.
You are an immature jerk!
So, as of now, I'm definately not going to hang out with you any more. I'll be friendly, but I'm not making any more plans where I'm stranded at the beach while you are getting busy!
I don't even agree with what you are doing. Its stupid to just dump your girlfriend so you can make out with someone else. One day you will regret it... and I'll have to pick up the pieces since you are both my friends!! oye!
So... its just whatever!!

"Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?" - Panic! At the Disco

I was going to write something... but stupid blogger took forever to load this page... I think its a sign that I need to finally turn my poor computer off. I think its been on all week. I don't think I've turned it off since like Monday... and when I turned it off then, I held the button.... I didn't even turn it off properly... I was "punishing it" as Erick would say... for being slow and freezing during class... while I was trying to take notes! *shakes fist*

urges to care

I can't help be concerned for this blossoming relationship in my circle. It seems to me that they are bringing the worst out of each other. I know its not my place, but I'm really fearing that if I don't say something to one of them, they are going to do some huge damage to each other.

Anyway... I'm really nervous about everything. And, again, I know its not my place... but, really... They are my friends, practically my best friends and I hear about all this stuff... I don't know?

I'm done, for now...

"I'm useless against them!" - Dashboard Confessional

And interesting day it has been. I feel like things are getting a little chaotic. People liking other people... and people being stupid and getting all girly and more than my little mind and heart can handle. I can see a train wreck in the near future. It scares me because I can't stop it.
The train is running out of control. People are falling for other people and some people are just not ready to have the kind of relationship they are going to get. Seriously, there is a need for growing up. But, eh... I'm stuck in the middle of it yet again. oye!

What do I do? What do I say? I can't say more right now... I'll be back later, maybe...

Monday madness

I'm awake.
I had an interesting weekend... that I must tell you all about! It all began on Saturday when my roommate and I decided that we were going to TWIRP (The Woman Is Required To Pay) a guy for our other roommate (who didn't actually want us to... but, she's too shy to admit it). We went all out and designed a scavenger hunt and everything. This meant we had to spend all day coming up with clues and a crossword puzzle and all sorts of other stuff. It was really entertaining... and then in the end the guys said yes. That part was the mellow part of my day. After we met them and they had finished everything... we all went to Norms for a midnight dinner. Everyone went including Erick, me, Jason (Jadter), Mike Kirkpatrick, Victoria, Maydelle, John, and Jason (Lee). It was so much fun. I don't thnk I ever laughed so hard in my life. We drove John home because he had to get up for church and in the morning... and then we were off to phase 3 of the night, the movie portion. So some of us had this brilliant idea to make a Horror movie at like 2 in the morning... and then another brilliant idea was to make it on top of Mt. Rubidoux. haha... omgosh... all I have to say is that its title was "Where's Stephanie?" (which is my other roommate who went home for the weekend) and it included a Thriller dance scene and a couple of gay zombies. It was hysterical! In the end, I got home at like 4:30 and then I finally went to sleep around 5:15 after a long gab about who was hot and who everyone wanted to date (girl chat is so much fun).
It was so much fun. We are going to have a cranium party next week... to which we are going to invite all the coolest "yos" around.
I'm just so happy with how things are going to so far this year. There are things that bug me a little about one of my roommates... but, they aren't even remotely serious. And, she'll grow out of them just like I did. This is going to be a great last year. It has been very eventful and exciting. I've been meeting some great people this year... which reminds me... I need to call Jason back so we can make plans to hang out this week.
I'll probably be back sometime later. I really need to start posting more stuff like I did during the summer... I just have like a billion things to do during the day on top of maintaining my relationship with my love, Erick and hanging out with my buddies. I really need to skip off and start Aristotle's Politics... omgosh... I have an excellent book for everyone to read... Plato's Republic... it is great! It talks about how to build a society and government... and what kind of laws and such are needed... to me, it could be made into the perfect scifi film... if you really think about it.
Anyway... I'm off for now. LATES

Happy? I think so

Am I happy with how life is? I really think so. I was asked this the other day by my dear friend Bobby. We were suppose to be studying... but you know how that goes. Bobby and I never study when we are suppose to! :)
I'm just really content with the way things are going right now. Erick and I have been dating for a whole 2 years now... We have big plans for the future. We are hoping to go on a vacation this winter, hopefully a cruise... but, if not, we are going to go to Vegas for a couple of days with our friends.
I'm so thankful for what God has provided me. Its kind of funny because the last week before I moved in, I was thinking... you know I have some great friends already... I don't care if I don't have a girl friend... I don't need to be best friends with my roommates... If it happens... then it happens... but, I don't need it to happen. And, then here I am... being really good friends with my roommates. Its a fun thing. They are so dramatic like my last roommates... and they are so anoying like my old best friend... (who couldn't even call me best friend... which is ridiculous). Overall, I still miss Sam. I'm over the drama. If I saw her on the street, I would say hi and ask her how she was doing... I would be civil. I might even answer an email or a phone call if she was willing to finally drop everything. If she was willing to make the step to say that it isn't any of her business saying that Erick and I are immature. She has no authority to decide who is immature and who is not. She doesn't have years of experience to back up her opinion. Anyway... I'm not even going to dwell on this right now, and that's my final thought.
I'm having a good day... its very chill... thought I need to finish Plato's Republic sometime this weekend. I'm already in book 7.
I'm off to take a shower... and then I'll probably get back to either playing Sudoku or reading the rest of my book. That reminds me I need to finish eating lunch too. I have made a plan to loose one more pant size before october. I think I can do it. I just need to loose another 10 lbs... with my diet... as long as I stick to it... it shouldn't be a hard task!
Ok lates now! TA TA

PMS and the struggle with tears

PMSing isn't just a skip and play sort of thing. Its emotional and fickle. Its misunderstood and ignored. I just feel like crying for no reason right now. Maybe I'll cry because I'm so tired, and yet, I don't know why I'm tired. I had 8 hours of sleep last night. actually I think it was 7... that's probably why I'm tired!
Anyway... tomorrow my mom said she would buy me a magazine and groceries to make me less pmsy. It will be a better day.

On another note, I'm thinking about switching another class. I'm taking Ancient World right now... and lets just say its sucks really bad. I'm thinking about taking American Political Theory, which is offered in the same place. Its with Luther... who I have Congress and the President with him and he's AMAZING!! So, yay, if I decide to do this. I really don't like the teacher of Ancient World. He is ridiculous and he shouldn't be allowed to teach here. He is a typical scatterbrain historian... however, it makes it impossible to know what we are really required to do in his class. The teacher is completely random.

So, I'm going to go read my Greek homework! Lates!

Melting down

I guess I had an odd day. Its hard living up to an expectation, being forced into a mold and pressed into something when you aren't ready to make that step. I'm taking 6 academic classes, 5 of which are upper division and each with its own 10-15 page paper. And, I'm taking Greek, which in my mind should be an upper division because I'm going to be doing more work for that class all of the others. I should probably be doing homework right now. I already have an overwhelming amount of homework. I need to be well into Plato's the Republic... which thankfully I've already read half of before. On top of that I have plenty of other books I need to read on top of finishing my Greek homework (due Tuesday) and studying Greek. My teacher says that we need to study that class every day for atleast 15 minutes... but, he also said that if we only study for 15 minutes we won't get a good grade. So, I've been doing about an hour a day... which I can tell you, cuts a big chunk out of my homework time. I want to do well in Greek. I think I have the potential. Right now, I feel a little lost because it is so different, but atleast I have the alphabet down almost, and Jerry is in that Class... and that's exciting!
Anyway... I want to get cracking on my reading before I go to brunch with my roomies. Have I said I love them yet?

Yesterday, Erick and I went to Disneyland... that was great! Tomorrow is Erick and my 2 year anniversery!! I really can believe that we lasted this long. I knew we would. Through our rough times... things have always worked out... and, obviously, he was built for me and I was built for him!
Its kind of funny because we are so completely different... and the same in all the important ways.

ok I'm off to read! ta ta

Prayer

My goal for this year is to become a prayer warrior. What can be better than talking to my maker and pouring my heart out to him??

The Third Day

Things are going well... I'm really excited about what God has done for me. He has really blessed me with great roommates and a great RA. I'm so happy that we get along. They already like my friends. They really have gotten to know me... or are atleast trying to get to know me. I don't think my roommates ever got to me... nor did I ever get to know them. After much prayer, I have gotten over it. I've been praying that these roommates would be perfect for me... and that God would put them there to challenage me... and you know what? He made the most perfect girls in my roommates. Each one is so different and yet so compatible and amazing. Its only been like 3 days... but, I'm so happy thus far.
I went to church this morning. I'm remembering who I was before I fell into that rut last year. I'm so much better and happier... and it all could have been fixed days and days ago!
Before I came here, I made my peace. If I don't meet good chick friends... then I don't. I shouldn't worry about it because I have the best friends outside of school too. But, like I keep saying, I'm truly blessed.
The End(for now)

1 Timothy 1

"Fight well in the Lord's battles"

I'm reading my bible today... what really hit home was at the end of 1 Timothy. Keeping your consciences clear and with out violation. This has proven to be a difficult thing. I feel guilty for lots of things. Thing I have apologized for but mainly regret letting my maker down. Its hard sometimes because I want myself to be so much however, I am human with human characteristics. I have my will and my urges. I think really bubbles down to keeping your conscience clear... but what does that mean? I guess to me it means that if I feel guilty about something then I must be doing something... then that thing must be wrong, and when I finally break down and ask for repentance... I should remember that God is so merciful and so amazing that he forgives me. With that should be the end of my guilt. I should know that I have been forgiven.
Going from here is a very difficult task to do. I'm always stressed about something and always very anxious of being perfect.
I guess, the point God might be trying to pick out for me is that I need to not stress so much and just let things go.

CBU

I'm back on campus... and I must say its nice to be back. I've only been back for a day now... but, I'm so excited about this year. Its going to be so much better than last year. I already know. I was so worried about coming in here and being the odd man out... but, its not so bad. Sure, I don't know half the people they are talking about most of the time... but, that hasn't bothered me. Hopefully by the end of the semester I'll know them.

On another note, I had a lot of fun hanging out with Jason, Mike, and Erick yesterday. And, I got to talk to Brad for a brief momment... which was cool since I haven't talked to him since probably high school. He remember who I was "Jessika with a K" which was cute... and totally made my day.

Cliff should be getting back today sometime. I wonder when... now, I'm just thinking outloud... I'm waiting for Erick to probably wake up and turn his phone back on. It ridiculous... If you have a cellphone, don't turn it off! How can anyone get a hold of you?
I'll just count on him not going to lunch with me

I'm really going to miss choir this year. I was listening to some music... and it left me feeling really sad that I'm not going to be able to sing some of the chamber music. It really comes down to do I even have the time to be in choir this semester? I'm taking more classes... and I'd like to get a job.

I'm real sad about it though... maybe we can really get together and do some MJEW stuff... maybe for holidays. Eventually, I'd like to settle down into another choir... but, who knows.

Robby is just too unorganized. He could really be something great... but, I don't think he will ever let himself

a meaningful song filling me with hope

World without End - FIF

For all the deepest thought compiled,philosophy
to laws of physics,
no one's ever heard or seen,
a more beautiful thing,
than this love that saved us.
[Chorus:]
In the soundless awe and wonder,
words fall short to hope again.
How beautiful,
how vast your love is,
new forever,
world without an end.
The very spark that burns the stars,
drew near to me today,
the God of everything that is,
whispered in my ear that His love is boundles

I can't find them?

I was going to write something but, now I'm at loss for words. I'm nervous about next semester. I want to have a good year. I want to be good with my roommates and I want to be happy. I know it will work out. I just want it to be so good this semester. Its scary going into a house with people I don't know. I feel so alone knowing that I didn't have any one to live with. I'm over it. I was really bitter and hurt before... but, I know God has something planned. I know it will work out.
I know next semester is going to be blessing... if not for myself, I know I will definately be able to be there for Jeff. He is important to me. I really care about him and I know he's going through a lot. Anyway.... I'm done! :)

"This Years Love" - David Grey

I was just listening to the music that I decided to put on my myspace. I have 5 songs on there on random... but, right now... I've just been sitting quietly, listening to this song.
I'm so blessed with everything that I have been given. I have this wonderful man in my life. He pisses me off sometimes... but, he is so perfect for me. Everything else isn't important to compared to the good enough him.
Changes are happening in me again. I'm really excited... I have no idea where I'm going. It seems like every so often I hit another step. Its nice to know that I'm growing. I'm growing up... God is showing me what I have... I'm clawing on not to lose it again. I hate thinking about the friends that I have lost over the years. I'm at the point where I am like I'm done with the drama... I don't even care what happened any more.
Its all mixed right now. I'm sure it will get sorted through. All I know is that it is clear to me the kind of friends I need are ones that I can be open with about everything. Ones that I know will never judge me and are always there for me, and not just for their benefit. Ones that let me in to their problems and let me be there for them too. Ones that will accept what I have to offer without being so quick to tell me what a horrible person I am.
The friends I have right now are so healthy. I know I'm getting closer to Jason right now. He means a lot to me. He is one of those friends that I think I will grow old with. I can picture him baby sitting my kids and come over for dinner and going on old folks cruises with me and Erick and who ever he marries.

So anyway... I'm growing... I should read my devotion real quick so I can write about it.

I had something to write... but, I'm just too tired and lazy, now. I can't remember what I was going to write. Oh well!

BFF

I have disappointed myself yet again, but this time it is managable. No one has judged me and no one has made fun of me. That's what's so great about friends. My friends are the best friends in the world. Ya, sometimes they piss me off... sometimes they can be inconsiderate... hell sometimes I piss them off and sometimes I'm inconsiderate... but, whatever the case is, I can truly say they have and always will be there for me. When I have vomit in my hair they clean it out for me... when I make a mistake and do something that is wrong, they are the first to understand.
I love them and I don't know how I could ever get by with out them. They are my everything.
Its funny because we lost touch for a little while... but, it didn't matter when we revamped everything about a year and a half ago. Its fun getting to know them again. Its fun getting to know who they have become as they have grown up.
I'm especially thinking of my very best friend(and yes, I have officially given him the title... I told him yesterday) Jason. He is special to me and I care very much for him. I think I'm going to try extra hard from now on to tell him how special he is to me.
I'm done!

baby steps

Its so easy for me to forget what its all about... what the whole point of living is. How could I have fallen so short of what I know is right. Its not even that I have done something horrible or that I have completely forgetten the love that is waiting for me... but, I've just gotten slack with it. How can expect so much from everyone else and yet so little of myself? It is time for me to get back on track... and this time for me and me alone. I need to begin to read my bible more consistantly. Faith comes from hearing and hearing by the word of God... I can't forget that. I can't follow blindly any more. I need to expect more of myself and I need to just tough it up and do it! :)
I've read tonight... and I will read tomorrow! It is through this change... that God will bring about great works. I know that he will use me when I am ready. I can feel greatness in the future... all I have to do is let him and prepare myself through him!

so, with that I will go and feel refreshed knowing I'm a little closer to my goal! :)

an exciting week ahead...

I'm pumped! I just talked to Jason who has informed me that Cliff is in town tomorrow! woo woo! So, it appears that I will be hanging out with him. I'm really excited because I totally love Cliff! I haven't seen him in probably a year... but, its cool! Anyway... We all plan to go to Fridays tomorrow, however, I'm hoping to persuade everyone into going to Dave and Busters for happy hour. I love that place, its so much more fun than fridays! You don't have to just sit at a table... you get to walk around and play games and get tickets. And, the tickets are pretty easy to get. I have like 900 or something on my card... and I've already spent about 900 on these cool ipod speakers.
Anyway... I know it will be fun! Also, I hope to either go swimming tomorrow or atleast do something. I need to get to CBU and buy my books before they run out like they did last year! Last year, I couldn't buy some of my books until like half way through February... I got this one book like 2 weeks before I needed to turn in a paper! It was hecktic! So, no more will that happen!
I'm going to go... Erick has to leave soon! :)
I'll probably be back later... :)

Random thoughts

I don't really have any specific thoughts that I wanted to put down right. Just that I'm having a good day. Yesterday, I was overly emotion... mainly with reason. I was crying about stupid stuff, like when Erick tied the game even when he said he would let me win. I wasn't even crying because I thought I was going to win but, I was crying that I trusted him... and, even then, I was crying really for no reason because he told me he would still let me win. He'd let me win by a 100 if I wanted to. :)
Anyway... I'm watching Italian Job. And, I'm still anxious about this whole roommate situation. I know it will work out. I just don't like feeling secluded, but again, it will work out... I should stop over thinking this and pray like Bobby said. I'm praying... I prayed last year... this time I'm praying for something different, like I said before.

So, yep, I'm done! LOVES

feeling confident

I think this summer has had great affects on me. I've lost weight. I've seen my problems. I just overall feel so much more confident. Looking back on last semester, I can see my problems. I can see the rut that I let myself fall into. I'll take the blame for it, though there were a lot of reasons that pushed me into this.
I let myself become a recluse, which is obviously the opposite of me. I'm normally an outgoing/super-friendly chick.
I'm really nervous about this semester. I know I shouldn't be. Things will work out... its just scary knowing that I'm moving into an apartment with people I don't know. I'm so afraid of being left out again, and a the same time I don't want to push my way into something that is already there.
Things will work out. I'm not there for anyone else but myself. I am there to learn and grow closer to God.
This summer, I have been really praying for my roommates. I'm praying that they will be exactly what I need according to God, and that they wont be what I think I need. God will work it out if I'm deligent.

Either way, I know this semester will be good. I just need to find a job and make an effort with the people that I already know.
So, I think I'm oging to go make myself a sandwhich. :) Turkey and Provolone! mmm!

Buh-bye! :)

another yay!

total financial aid awarded(per semester) = 11,655
Total due (including tuition, room and board, books, etc) = 12,845

I'm super excited... the amount was less this year... I think its because I don't have a lab fee this time. Stupid lab fee!

I'm going to have a little dough left over after too which should make a nice vacation during my christmas break. Erick and I would like to get out of town for a while... a couple days atleast. When he has a job combined with my job money... it should be pretty nice.
I'm really happy with things!

I need to school on Thursday to find out about my financial clearance and then I need to pay off my room deposit. There was something else that I had to do but, I can't remember... oh I want to bump up my meal plan to 13 meals a week. 10 isn't enough... especially since Erick(hopefully) and Jeff are going this semester. I'll be able to have dinner and breakfast with them all the time. Plus, I like having lunch with my mom :)

Ok so I'm going to go...
This day is doing good... I weight 160lbs! I lost 3lbs since last week... 3lbs a week or so is really good and healthy weight loss...
ok so I'm done! LATES

I am happy today. I'm happy to think about life and its little twists and turns. It has been a good couple of days. I'm making plans for next semester. I'm so happy to see some of my friends again. It has been 3 months... and it will be 4 by the time I see them.
One of them made me think to day about spiritual gifts... you get to thinking what is mine? I know that God has blessed me with this overwhelming compassion on everything and everyone. I know that this will come in to factor as I get older and God begins to show me what I will do with the rest of my life. I know that God also gives me so much wisdom when I need it. He puts his words in my mouth for them just to flood out without me even thinking. He has given me endless situations that help me to be there for those who need it. I think that is why sometimes my friends come to me when they need to talk, because God has helped me get through so many discouraging situations...
I have a third thing that I have gotten from him... or atleast I think I have. I have to grow into it I think and learn to trust God more... but, I think that he has given me the gift of discernment... atleast at times when I need it.
I'm glad that God is working in me. I can't wait to grow more and more in him. It is a slow process... but, patience is a virtue.
I'm working slowly toward the end of the race as Paul would call it.

I think I will end with that... and go make myself a wrap(turkey and swiss)!

a sad view of life...

Do you ever know anyone who is so depressed about life? A person who has had a lot of bad things happen to him and just can't get past them? I feel so bad for this person that I'm thinking of. I don't even know what to say about the situation because I don't know what to feel about it. I'm worried about him because I don't know if he'll ever let go of his doubt. I don't know if he'll ever just relax.
Sure, relaxing is harder than it seems. I'm definately not the person to be pushing a stress-free life... but, I'm just so worried about him.
I think his biggest struggle is this desire to find someone, a girlfriend, a wife. Finding someone isn't as easy as finding just anyone you can stand. I've seen too many people fall into these relationships just because it was the right time. It is ridiculous to just get married or engaged after knowing this person for a month. There is more to a relationship than just love. Love doesn't conquer all... as sad as it sounds love isn't enough. There is so much more... though love is a big portion.
I guess I'm at the point of my life where I could say that I could find a misleading kind of love in anyone if I had enough time. I think the love that I have with Erick is more than the love I had with Ben because of everything else that comes with it. Its not just the butterflies I have in my stomach... its everything else to.
I guess love is hard to explain. There are too many version of it... and they are always mistaken for one.
Who knows where I'm going with this blog. I guess I just don't want to see him fill this void in his heart and soul with a girl.
I guess I'm a big believer of a spouse not fullfiling a person... I was fullfilled before I met Erick, but with Erick, I am more complete. I truly feel that with Erick, I can do more for God than I could do without him. But, if I had never met Erick... I suppose I would still live a fullfilling life... though, I would never give Erick away now.

Anyway... like I said, it is all very confusing. I think I'm done, for now.

My room is flooded... and the stupid people haven't come to clean it up. I don't know what I'll do when Erick gets here... considering that there is no way of walking... just sitting on the bed and the chair. That's it. I think I'll take a nap until he gets her.
Until later... goodbye

The Pedersen house has been flooded! ah!

I haven't been on in like 2 days!! omgosh poor me!

Well, anyway... I had something political to say last night but, at this momment it escapes me! I'll probably be back after I watch the Colbert Report, and maybe get something to eat.

Great new though... I weighed myself and I have officially lost almost 30lbs this summer. I feel so great! I have tons of energy and I'm pretty excited!

I was going to write something... but I have been distracted! dang it!

aye aye... I still have to go back to CBU and finish turning in this paper work... there is so much!

So anyway... let me go do that... I'll be back later probably

Its a funny story actually... guess who we saw at Disneyland today?? the amazing handsome, Matt from Relient K!
Yay for me and Erick... these are actually pictures from Vans Warp Tour last year

I just worked out and I feel refreshed!! yay for a cleansing natural high!

School is rolling in! I'm so happy! I have 3 semester left! yay! My last semester will only be like a little amount of time! I'll probably get a full time job my last semester and go to school at night. I mean, I'll only have like 12 units left. I might even be able to take it during the summer... we'll see. I'd like to get as much done as soon as possible so I can finally get on with life. I think it is ridiculous to be in school for like 10 years... working on a stupid bachlors degree! maybe if I was working on a PhD. You know what I think is just as ridiculous? People who go to RCC because its "cheaper" and then they end up spending more time in school... therefore spending more money... crazy! Ok Lates yos!

"How beautiful, how vast your love is!"

... what do I say? I'm speechless.
I'm done.

a brief overview of a really good devotion...

without sorrow there is no faith! :)

one more thing

that reminds me... I need to freaking add "intro to Kione Greek" haha!!
I'll do that right now!

quick like a fox!

Calbaptist is amazing... let me tell you. It was a whole mess... and it got fixed in about a week. So let me start from the beginning... I don't think I've said everything on this blog.

Ok, so I got put on Financial Aid Probation... ya, what the crap is that? Its not even academic probation its financial aid... so, why you may ask... well, because I had 2 withdraws. I wasn't even aware that I couldn't make a withdraw last fall... but, I did and then when spring rolled around and I wasn't doing so well in ASL2(because I hadn't taken it in a year) I dropped that class too...
Then, later, I find out that I was on probation and that if I dropped another class I would get my financial aid cut off. And, I found this out after I dropped ASL2... so they terminated my financial aid for fall 2006!! what the crap eh? So, I had to go through an appeal process... which wasn't too hard. All I had to do was show them that I have good grades and why I dropped asl and how I'm consistent... which was easy since I really do have really great grades!
So anyway... I just got the letter back from them and yay for me I got it reinstated.

The thing that was most cool was I turned all my paper work in last tuesday, and I got a letter from them this tuesday... which got lost in my dad's car for 3 days and finally arrived in my hands today... but, still I wasn't expecting the letter until next week sometime.
I'm pretty excited because I've been stressing about this for a while.
I still have to worry about the last 1,000 or so for books and other stuff... but, I think that will work out... if not, who need books? just kiding! I'm a A student now! I actually have to read my books and do my homework.
And, like I said, University is harder than most people realize... so ya, for me!

I'm starting school in a month. I wonder if I can move on campus early. I should find out about that.

a big sigh of relief

I just researched some of my files and I found out that I get about 2,000 more now that I am a junior. I'm pretty excited about that. That means, I should have enough for this semester. I've been really stressed about it. Also, I think I should be able to buy my books on Half.com which should cut off a good chunk of my costs last semester.
I'm pretty excited because I think I can bump up my meal plan again then. I really would like to have 13 meals a week again. For some reason, I got moved down to 10. I expect to be eating all my meals since I'm not really in choir. I mean, I'm considering it... but, I'm not sure.

Anyway... I am doing ok. I was freaking out a few minutes ago about school, but I should be receiving my final financial aid award letter sometime in the next week... and from there it should be good! :)
yays!

I read my devotions today...
I think it was good... sometimes we get stuck up on what we can't be... on things that we think our impossible. I think what we fail to realize that we are never going to be these things but we are going to be in times of need. We fail to realize that we don't do them on our own we just need to pray that we will be when God needs us to be.
I read Matthew 5 today too... I think, I want to work toward these... I want to be blessed by God beyond all things that I can do on my own. I think I will strive toward these and memorize them.
What can be better than being blessed by my creator?? :) NOTHING!

Ding ding!

I just thought of it... How can some one expect to be friends without as little as a phone call? I don't care if you are not a phone person! That is ridiculous to think that things will be ok without even talking at all. And, ya, I should call more... but, I'm kind of turned off from calling sometimes when you do call and they can't afford it or don't have time. I can't help that my plans are last minute. That doesn't mean I am immature... it just means that plans change, and things come up at the last second. Whatever eh?

In the end, I'm so happy I have the friends that I have right now. We argue... but, its completely healthy. I'm not afraid to tell them what is bothering me... and they tell me. I can call and vent and call and cry. I can be myself and really evolve into a new self without worrying about losing my friends. I don't know how many times I felt stagnent because I wanted to do something more with my life but, my friends were so quick to judge and refuse to do it, and if I choose to do it they would get jealous that I was doing something else. What the "f"?

Anyway... this might seem out of no where... but, I guess every so often I'm reminded why I do like these certain people... I think there is a point where these people should just sit down and listen and not be so defensive. It doesn't matter why you did something or how... all that matters is that it hurts me or someone else... your intentions don't make it any better... :)

So, with that said... I'm done for now... :)

I had a thought...

but, now its lost!

such a good mood... why?

Why you may ask? well, I guess I'm just evil vasking in the sad, pathetic lives of others! :) oh how great life is! :) I think I'm doing so well for myself. I can't wait to start school... and oh , shoot... I just remembered I need to sign up for Kione Greek for this semester. I think I'll do that tomorrow :)
I can't wait to take greek! I'm so proud of myself this year. This past semester, I did so well! And, even though I had super hard classes... I got really good grades. I love my school.
People still don't understand... but, I'm sure they will one day when they have to ready like a 100 pages a night just for one class and write 40 pages for a final. Ya, to me, that sounds harder than a 2 year college. Atleast, all the classes that I had! :) And, I took some of the harder classes that were offered.

Anyway... I'm doing good! I'm feeling happy! I'm waiting for my financial aid clearance to come in... it should be this week. My EFC is 000000! I'll still have to pay for my housing... which will run me about 2,000 a semester. But, its ok! My loans are so much lower than everyone elses that I know.
I'm done for now... I'll probably be back later! LATES YO!

A long day...

A long day of nothing... what a big obvious... :(
I've been begging Erick to do something with me... but, basically I got a bunch of... "hold on" or "in a second" and now its like 7:30... and that second has turned into like 6 hours!
aye!!

Anyway... yesterday, Erick and I had another date. We went to see Lady in the Water and Pirates of the Caribean. Definately Lady in the Water was such a good movie. I must say...!
I want to buy the movie... it was scary like his other movies... maybe, a little scary but, most of it was humerous and suspensful at the same time. It is a great combination.

I think I'm done right now... I don't really have a lot to say... just trying to find a fall job. I want to work in the Registars Office this year. I hope I get that job.

Ok lates

date night :)

or... more like day. I woke up yesterday to "sunny with the high of 75..." playing on my phone. It was about 8:30. I drag Erick out of bed and make him take a shower while I sleep for another 30 minutes.
We went to Disneyland!! ya, I know... we go a lot... if anyone was reading this they might think we would get tired of it. In fact, we only went for like 4 hours or so... we only rode 3 rides. :) It was fun though. After that we went to get an early dinner, and then to Dave and Busters.... where I have discovered yet another favorite drink of mine.... "Walk the Plank".... oh my gosh its good!
We went to Angels Stadium and had a good game. Then we went back to Dave and Busters... except this time we went to the one in ontario.... where I again got a Walk the Plank... it was so good! yummy yummy
Anyway... I came home and that was it...
I was super tired
The end

in future...

Plans for the future... I'm pretty excited! I'm kind of sad that this college thing is falling away for the time being for Erick... but, At the same time, I'm really excited about everything that is falling into place... slowly, but still! I can't wait! Erick is getting a full time job... it really hasn't taken too long. He has his 3rd interview at Kaiser where he'll start off making almost 14 dollars an hour. Let me say, that's pretty good for an entry level job... and of course it will also be steady. He won't be worrying about getting enough hours in a week to pay the bills. Anyway... I'm looking forward to graduating and getting married and having kids.
Its going to happen! And, its not going to happen too long from now... :) I'm getting an on campus job this semester so I can start saving for our wedding. Its kind of expensive to have a decent wedding. But, I think I want to celebrate our love and our commitment. We only have one wedding. Anyway... I don't want to spend like 100k on it but, I do want a nice wedding. I want a nice dress and a nice building and real reception. Erick said I can start building my notebook of stuff I want... I think I'll start it when I go back to school.

Anyway... I'm watching The United States of Leland. I've been waiting to see this movie. I wanted to buy it for a long time... and then this morning I saw it was going to be on cable! yay! So... I think I'm done for now... I'm going to go finish my movie!

a lonely life :(

Its so boring here in the my casa during the day. No Tv... No people around... just cats! And the cats mostly sleep during the day. Erick just went home to hopefully score some gas. Who knows if he will or not. I knew he was going to wake up late. He always wakes up late. I'm so bored... I wish he would have just gone home last night and slept at his house and then drove over around now. It would have been better.
Anyway... I'm so bored. As you saw yesterday, I have been flooded with memories of the past. It really sucks to think about all these people that I loved and cared for not in my grasp any more. I miss these fools! It was nice to hear that Robby still thought of me when he heard certain songs and it was nice to hear that Mike is doing well. But, beyond that I wish there were more oppurtuinties to become good friends again. It kind of makes me sad. Certain people I don't really care any more that we aren't good friends... because the more I look at it we were just pretending to be friends and using each other as a clutch. But, people like Mike who I shared some momments of being down on the ground with. I feel like I miss his friendship. Maybe when I'm back in Riverside in a couple of months... I'll be able to build something again. That would be nice.
So... I think I'm done. I need to find something to do and fast.
I just tried to talk to Brandon... who was so completely boring and pretty much wanted nothing to do with talking to me... I just told him I'm oging to go... LATES! screw that... I'm sick of people being judgemental when they have nothing better to offer.
I'm just sick of the Hypocricy floating around these days... just knock it off! I swear!

run away... :(

I've been sitting her searching through Myspace... mostly aimless... I'm incredibly bored... but, in the end I have decided that I am worse off. I actually feel sad; too many memories have resurfaced and to many sad endings.
Do you ever wonder what happened? I miss all these people... and mostly I only hang out with like 10 of them... but, its not like it use to be.
too sad :(

Sunburns... ouch :(

I have the worst sunburn ever inherated by man. I swear that even my lips are sunburned... :( My shoulders are practically falling off they hurt so bad. I couldn't sleep on my side last night and some how when I woke up my fingers were numb even though I hadn't even been sleeping on them. I'm so done with this sunburn thing. The one time I try to be ahead of it... look what happens :(
Its absolutely riduclous!
Anyway... I'm waiting for Erick. I wonder if he's even awake. Part of me says hes not... I don't think he is going to get any of his work done... which is slightly disappointing... but, what am I going to do about it?
I'm also really excited because Erick's mom wants him to take his sister to Disneyland, which means that I will get to go too! Its going to be fun. I really like his sister when she's not asking a billion questions and proving that she is smarter than the entire world. I see a little bit of Erick in her. Its cute. I haven't really talked to her since Erick had his drunk incident at the beach, and since Erick's neighbor went postal and tried to kick Erick out of his own house... thank God she isn't welcome around any more.
Anyway... I'm anticipating it to be a great trip! I think we need a forth person... Probably one of Heidi's friends? I don't know. All I know is that for once Erick and I won't be scrounging up dollars to have dinner. It should be really fun.

There isn't a whole lot going on right now. My nana came home today which is good news. With all the death this year, I don't know if I could handle her dying too... even though she isn't my favorite person sometimes. But, it is really good that she is going home... though, I'm not sure how long. It seems to me that she doesn't take care of herself like she should. She doesn't drink enough fluids which is what got her into this most recent situation in the first place.
Who knows?

Anyway... I think I'm going to go... for some reason our cable is out... which is kind of really anoying! I wanted to watch General Hospital... It better be back on at 5 so I can watch the Gilmore Girls! I'm hoping Jess and Rory will make up and then hook up! :) yay!

ok LATES

Getting back to self control

Relax, Jessika! haha :) I'm getting back on my diet. Last week I went over like 100points... probably not that many but more like 20 points! That's a freakin' lot. I'm not going to use any of my Allowance points this week. I'm going to stick the foods I know are like 6 points... or if I'm going to eat something big, I have to make sure I just eat something small for dinner

new... today

So, I've been stressing about my loan. I'm suppose to have things done by Saturday... but, with my nana in the hospital, I haven't been able to. I'm still waiting... but, I called on Friday and told them everything that was going on and like I should have known, they were really understanding. I really love going to a christian college. They make life so much easier.

So, I'm pretty pumped about next year, I still have to move some classes around so I can take Greek... I'm sooooo EXCITED about this class. I wish I could take 21 units next semester... but, I think that would be ridiculous. I was so stressed about class last semester. Though this semester I don't have as many reading classes. I shouldn't be too stressed. Anyway... I'm done! I need to take a look at my degree guide and my catalogue and see what I can move around so I can take Greek! :)

BYE!

Housing

I need to get financial clearance soon or I'm not going to keep my housing. I don't know what to do. :(

realization :)

I realized that the idea behind what I was trying to prevent was sort of faded behind what I thought was the right idea. I hate that because I am raised to follow beliefs blindly... I'm left with guilt any time I do something that might not even be sinful. Like drinking, I seriously don't see the problem... but, I still feel guilty and I still feel like I have to hide it. Its all just a load of crap.
I hate hearing ministers saying "you need to find out everything for yourself"... and then they say things that I don't see in the bible any where...

Anyway... I know who I love. I know he is the one I'm going to marry. We aren't having sex. We are expressing ourselves and loving each other. And, well, in my mind as long as whatever we are doing doesn't lead us to wanting to have sex we are good. The second it does is the second we need a cool down. But, it is unrealistic to think that we will never think about it, or to think that we will never kiss or hug or anything. It is ridiculous to think that we can just turn off our God given sex drives. We were built to be married at like 13... and here we are at 21 trying to control something that is completely hormonal.
I think sometimes things have become a bit ridiculous.
Whatever the case... I can feel confident in saying we are not having sex and wont until we are married. We are respecting each other, and we love each other, and that is the fact that is the most meaningful.

waiting...

I'm still waiting for my dad to get his lazy butt up to take me to see m nana... They wanted me to come over around now... What am I going to tell them when he never wakes up? HE was suppose to take me this morning around 10... and here we are at 1:30... and he's "naping" I could have just had Erick take me. But, now, I'm stuck waiting for him! ugh!

jeeze

I feel nausus and let down. My stupid dad is being ridiculous! I'm so sick of him! I'm practicially locked in my room and to teach me a lesson the air conditioning is turn to 82 instead of 74 like it usually is during the day. You know what though? I don't care! If he wants to make himself miserable than sorry for him because I have a bathing suit I can just go swimming. I have a boyfriend so I can go to the library... but, the stupid dad who is addicted to sleeping pills and is being crazy when he wakes up... he can't handle his own treatment. So, whatever to him!