I'm bored... I'm trying to find a job... but, why am I not appealing to anyone? I really hope I get hired at the casino... I applied to a bunch of jobs there. Hopefully, I qualify for atleast one of them. Some of them pay pretty good... and some of them are full time jobs. I wouldn't mind working 40 hours a week. I could make really good money if I did that! I could definately make enough to go on vacation... and also have a good summer. I need to pay off my bills and clean up my credit. I wish I could get a loan on my own but, that's probably impossible. However, if Erick gets a full time job... he could probably cosign for me because between us we'll have more collateral.
Anyway... I'm watching Grounded for Life... I think I'm going to scadadel off...
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
sad sad sad...
I love this blog... but, it makes me sad that I have to beg Erick to read it :( Read me please!
Saturday, May 27, 2006
I'm really down right now
I'm so sad right now, and depressed. Erick didn't call me yet again. He didn't call me when he got home either. I have freaking cramps and I'm on my period :( I hate it! I'm miserable!
And, even better, I have to go to a concert tonight and look totally fabulous and be a good conversation person with Ashley and Jeff... I don't know how I'll do it... I'm miserable
And, even better, I have to go to a concert tonight and look totally fabulous and be a good conversation person with Ashley and Jeff... I don't know how I'll do it... I'm miserable
Friday, May 26, 2006
Roommates Part 2
I'm having kind of a sad summer. I'm still really let down about them. I don't know why I care so much. I guess it hurt really bad to be let go. They were so willing to work for people over seas or even for the big names on campus, but no one cared that I was having a hard time. My own roommate yelled at me when I had a bad day. I wonder why I was crying? I wonder what started my argument with Erick... It was because I found out that they were all living together and I was living on my own.
It just hurt that my roommate was so involved in being independent and her own person that she forgot some of the quiet, no-name people around her.
I need to really keep reminding myself to just pray about the situation. Who cares if Amy didn't care? I shouldn't. I need to remind myself how much better I will be next year. Next year, I'm not going to be praying for my roommate to be someone like me but more someone who I can learn from and someone who will learn from me. I know I'm not always around but, I sure as heck wanted to be, and I would have been if I was more included. If I wasn't sitting there staring aimlessly at the walls while the people around me made plans without me.
And, again, I'm being bitter. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to remember that God has perfect friends set out for me. Ones that are going to be there for me and ones that I can be there for. Ones that will let me in.
It will happen. I know it! I must have faith! No matter how much energy it takes!
It just hurt that my roommate was so involved in being independent and her own person that she forgot some of the quiet, no-name people around her.
I need to really keep reminding myself to just pray about the situation. Who cares if Amy didn't care? I shouldn't. I need to remind myself how much better I will be next year. Next year, I'm not going to be praying for my roommate to be someone like me but more someone who I can learn from and someone who will learn from me. I know I'm not always around but, I sure as heck wanted to be, and I would have been if I was more included. If I wasn't sitting there staring aimlessly at the walls while the people around me made plans without me.
And, again, I'm being bitter. I'm trying not to be. I'm trying to remember that God has perfect friends set out for me. Ones that are going to be there for me and ones that I can be there for. Ones that will let me in.
It will happen. I know it! I must have faith! No matter how much energy it takes!
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Can't keep my eyes off of you!
May 26, 2006
Thinking of Prayer as Jesus Taught
Pray without ceasing . . . —1 Thessalonians 5:17
-->Our thinking about prayer, whether right or wrong, is based on our own mental conception of it. The correct concept is to think of prayer as the breath in our lungs and the blood from our hearts. Our blood flows and our breathing continues "without ceasing"; we are not even conscious of it, but it never stops. And we are not always conscious of Jesus keeping us in perfect oneness with God, but if we are obeying Him, He always is. Prayer is not an exercise, it is the life of the saint. Beware of anything that stops the offering up of prayer. "Pray without ceasing . . ."— maintain the childlike habit of offering up prayer in your heart to God all the time.
Jesus never mentioned unanswered prayer. He had the unlimited certainty of knowing that prayer is always answered. Do we have through the Spirit of God that inexpressible certainty that Jesus had about prayer, or do we think of the times when it seemed that God did not answer our prayer? Jesus said, ". . . everyone who asks receives . . ." ( Matthew 7:8 ). Yet we say, "But . . . , but . . . ." God answers prayer in the best way— not just sometimes, but every time. However, the evidence of the answer in the area we want it may not always immediately follow. Do we expect God to answer prayer?
The danger we have is that we want to water down what Jesus said to make it mean something that aligns with our common sense. But if it were only common sense, what He said would not even be worthwhile. The things Jesus taught about prayer are supernatural truths He reveals to us.
~*~*~*~
That last thought is a big kick in the face. I really need to just be praying just as I blink. I need to be focusing on God just as I do thing without even thinking about it. With that kind of dedication, I will move on from the rut that I am in. With that kind of motivation, I will be able to do anything that God asks of me. Today, I'm thinking how will I stay away from the things that tempt me. I suppose this is my answer. If I'm constantly seeking God, how would I have time to do the things I struggle with. I just need to constantly be thinking about him. I need to be constantly praying for the desire to know him on a more personal level. Maybe, I should start a prayer journal. I would like to start these habits now so that when I go to college they will be unbreakable! It will be great!
Anyway... I just want to praise God for doing everything for me! I really want to learn more... I just need the constant motivation!
Thinking of Prayer as Jesus Taught
Pray without ceasing . . . —1 Thessalonians 5:17
-->Our thinking about prayer, whether right or wrong, is based on our own mental conception of it. The correct concept is to think of prayer as the breath in our lungs and the blood from our hearts. Our blood flows and our breathing continues "without ceasing"; we are not even conscious of it, but it never stops. And we are not always conscious of Jesus keeping us in perfect oneness with God, but if we are obeying Him, He always is. Prayer is not an exercise, it is the life of the saint. Beware of anything that stops the offering up of prayer. "Pray without ceasing . . ."— maintain the childlike habit of offering up prayer in your heart to God all the time.
Jesus never mentioned unanswered prayer. He had the unlimited certainty of knowing that prayer is always answered. Do we have through the Spirit of God that inexpressible certainty that Jesus had about prayer, or do we think of the times when it seemed that God did not answer our prayer? Jesus said, ". . . everyone who asks receives . . ." ( Matthew 7:8 ). Yet we say, "But . . . , but . . . ." God answers prayer in the best way— not just sometimes, but every time. However, the evidence of the answer in the area we want it may not always immediately follow. Do we expect God to answer prayer?
The danger we have is that we want to water down what Jesus said to make it mean something that aligns with our common sense. But if it were only common sense, what He said would not even be worthwhile. The things Jesus taught about prayer are supernatural truths He reveals to us.
~*~*~*~
That last thought is a big kick in the face. I really need to just be praying just as I blink. I need to be focusing on God just as I do thing without even thinking about it. With that kind of dedication, I will move on from the rut that I am in. With that kind of motivation, I will be able to do anything that God asks of me. Today, I'm thinking how will I stay away from the things that tempt me. I suppose this is my answer. If I'm constantly seeking God, how would I have time to do the things I struggle with. I just need to constantly be thinking about him. I need to be constantly praying for the desire to know him on a more personal level. Maybe, I should start a prayer journal. I would like to start these habits now so that when I go to college they will be unbreakable! It will be great!
Anyway... I just want to praise God for doing everything for me! I really want to learn more... I just need the constant motivation!
sleepy head
I just woke up this... I'm pretty tired. For some reason I can sleep at night. No matter how tired I am. The cats are always meowing and running all crazily across the house... Penguin is always licking my face or tickling me with her whiskers... or laying in an akward spot. Like now, she is laying directly under where my feet should good... *rolls eyes*
I'm tired. I'm bored of life... I need some excitement.
I'm tired. I'm bored of life... I need some excitement.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
emotional
I'm freakin sick and miserable. I feel very emotional because I am doped up on medicine... and, I'm tired and needy. I'm still very very irratated with Jason. My mom said to let it go... and, I will, but we'll see if we ever make plans with him again. Its kind of depressing to think that since he is one of my closest friends... but, I can't build a relationship with him knowing that his girlfriend will just destroy all of our plans. There is not a friendship when you can't even make plans in advance. We will never do anything cool except... "what should we do? I don't know... ok I guess we are doing nothing"... that's stupid. Its cool to be like "lets go to fridays" but, it even better when we plan to go on a camping trip for 6 months and the trip actually holds out. What a concept eh?
The Flake Strikes again!
I'm so sick of flakey people. Don't make plans if you can't remember a thing. Don't make plans if you know you are just going to cancel to hang out with your stupid girlfriend. Don't even bother calling or attempting to do something if you are going to just forget about it.
And, you know what pisses me off even more... is the fact that you waited until like 3 days before our schedueled event to say "screw the tickets that you spent money and could have given them to someone else. Screw that... I have somthing better to do"
Maturity is a strong point in you. I'm so pissed... and to think I should have trusted the thought in the back of mind that said... "Jason is a flake... he's just going to cancel"
F that!
And, you know what pisses me off even more... is the fact that you waited until like 3 days before our schedueled event to say "screw the tickets that you spent money and could have given them to someone else. Screw that... I have somthing better to do"
Maturity is a strong point in you. I'm so pissed... and to think I should have trusted the thought in the back of mind that said... "Jason is a flake... he's just going to cancel"
F that!
my heart dropped for a sec
I remembered that I was wearing my ring. :( I got really sad for sec. I was really worried that I had lost it even though I knew exactly where it was and why I wasn't wearing. My fingers swell up during the summer... I hate not being able to wear my ring. In my frantic search to honor my Erick, I was thinking to my self... "please fit! please fit!" I was praying and just hoping that it would fit. I slipped it on to my ring finger... and it fit better than ever before. I put it on with the hearts pointing left as I always do. Its to honor Erick's enscription. "G29" which basically means that he is willing to work and wait for our perfect time to be married. He loves me so much that he will do what ever it takes to make it perfect. "G29" comes from this love that Jacob had for Rachel that even though he was working for seven years... it didn't feel like that long because he loved her so much and it was all worth it.
When I found out what Erick meant by his enscription... it means more to me than anything... more than the ring itself.
I suppose this is yet another random thought of mine. I'm chilling here... getting ready to go to bed. I just thought I would remember the day he gave it to me... and the day he hinted to me that he bought me something big. I wish I still knew where the ring certificate was. I'm pretty sure this is a really expensive ring. Atleast, from what I can tell from my jeweler training... and by how much it cost... and from what I remember being on the certificate.
Time is moving by pretty quickly. I was worried that it be so long before I could finally get married. Its not really that long. We are already coming up on the 2 year mark. That seems so quick. It doesn't even seem that long ago since we were first falling for each other like 3 years ago. The day I realized I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him was 2 years ago. It took me a long time to realize that I didn't need a guy who had dated... and I didn't need a guy who had kissed someone before... I need a Godly man who could love me just as God loves him. That's the whole point. Maturing takes a bit... but, in the end it worked out.
So this is my soaking into God's pressence... I'm sitting here listening to Shawn McDonald... and I'm thinking about this plan God has for me. I know there is something... I'm starting to be reminded of my abilities and gifts. I need to soak into him more so I will be prepared for a wild school year. This is basically my senior year. How crazy is that? I hope to get a decent job after that... I hope to have my OWN apartment and my be engaged in a year... or less :) I'll be done with this portion of my life. I really need to think about that. I really need to begin preparing myself. I need to warm up to the fact of life on my own with no parents.
This is turning into a long blog. I just meant to talk about my ring... and, basically talk to myself about how important and amazing it is that it fits. :) I tangented off... that's ok!
Well, I'm going to go. The cats are restless. "Cattus Turbitus".
I'll be back tomorrow. Same time... Same place!
When I found out what Erick meant by his enscription... it means more to me than anything... more than the ring itself.
I suppose this is yet another random thought of mine. I'm chilling here... getting ready to go to bed. I just thought I would remember the day he gave it to me... and the day he hinted to me that he bought me something big. I wish I still knew where the ring certificate was. I'm pretty sure this is a really expensive ring. Atleast, from what I can tell from my jeweler training... and by how much it cost... and from what I remember being on the certificate.
Time is moving by pretty quickly. I was worried that it be so long before I could finally get married. Its not really that long. We are already coming up on the 2 year mark. That seems so quick. It doesn't even seem that long ago since we were first falling for each other like 3 years ago. The day I realized I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him was 2 years ago. It took me a long time to realize that I didn't need a guy who had dated... and I didn't need a guy who had kissed someone before... I need a Godly man who could love me just as God loves him. That's the whole point. Maturing takes a bit... but, in the end it worked out.
So this is my soaking into God's pressence... I'm sitting here listening to Shawn McDonald... and I'm thinking about this plan God has for me. I know there is something... I'm starting to be reminded of my abilities and gifts. I need to soak into him more so I will be prepared for a wild school year. This is basically my senior year. How crazy is that? I hope to get a decent job after that... I hope to have my OWN apartment and my be engaged in a year... or less :) I'll be done with this portion of my life. I really need to think about that. I really need to begin preparing myself. I need to warm up to the fact of life on my own with no parents.
This is turning into a long blog. I just meant to talk about my ring... and, basically talk to myself about how important and amazing it is that it fits. :) I tangented off... that's ok!
Well, I'm going to go. The cats are restless. "Cattus Turbitus".
I'll be back tomorrow. Same time... Same place!
Simply Nothing - Shawn McDonald
So hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes
As You're watching Your children, doing what You despise
In pursuit of our own
We just go round and round
Another nail to our cause
We continue to pound
What are you, man, if you do not learn love
What are you, man, if you do not learn love
So hard to fathom, oh, the feelings inside
As You're watching Your people choosing to die
You called out a warning
To all that would hear
Saying come to Me, come to Me
And I will draw near
Learn love
I must
Learn love
As You're watching Your children, doing what You despise
In pursuit of our own
We just go round and round
Another nail to our cause
We continue to pound
What are you, man, if you do not learn love
What are you, man, if you do not learn love
So hard to fathom, oh, the feelings inside
As You're watching Your people choosing to die
You called out a warning
To all that would hear
Saying come to Me, come to Me
And I will draw near
Learn love
I must
Learn love
night time...
Its time for me to go to bed... I'm exhausted.
On a side note, I love this new blog... its more cute... and well, I just fell like I can write a little or a lot. It doesn't matter. Its nice!
Tomorrow, I need to remember not to be so lazy all day... I need to read. I use to enjoy it... I just need to get over watching tv so much... I'm still learning things because I watch the history channel all day.
So anyway... I'm going to bed, I promise. Yesterday, I stayed up until like 5:30-6:00 watching Grey's Anatomy on my computer. I love that show. I can't wait until the second one comes out on DVD... then I can watch them all in order.
So good night!
On a side note, I love this new blog... its more cute... and well, I just fell like I can write a little or a lot. It doesn't matter. Its nice!
Tomorrow, I need to remember not to be so lazy all day... I need to read. I use to enjoy it... I just need to get over watching tv so much... I'm still learning things because I watch the history channel all day.
So anyway... I'm going to bed, I promise. Yesterday, I stayed up until like 5:30-6:00 watching Grey's Anatomy on my computer. I love that show. I can't wait until the second one comes out on DVD... then I can watch them all in order.
So good night!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
what is new?
I have something in mind... I'm rolling my eyes... but, in the interest of not making this blog bitter... I'll just ignore it. I mean, why do I still care anyway... Its stupid for some one to be so excited about something that is not as "grown up" as they think it is. And, with that.... I shall leave!
I hate how fake my nana is. I hate how she can control every aspect of my life. She isn't even my mother. I don't owe her anything... she doesn't have any right to steal my friends. She doesn't have the right to force me to do things. She doesn't have the right to trick me into doing things and threaten me with a loan. I'm so sick of it! I don't know how I'm going to go to school next semester. I don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to pay for it all! :(
sad
sad... that's all I can say. I feel broken today. I'm trying to mend my self-esteem and my feelings... but, I just can't. It seems like every argument I have I get more and more torn apart. It wasn't like this before... but, things have changed. One mistakes seems to set off rude comments and misunderstandings. I don't know what to do about it. I don't think anyone is really motivated to change... who knows?
Newest Blog for a broken heart
I guess I just want to start fresh. My old blog... was old. I think some things need to change with in me. Things need to refocus. It hard to do. I don't even know where to start. I've been hurt too many times this year. I don't even know how it all started. What is in me that drives all this bitterness? I don't think I am any worse than the rest... but, than again, who knows. Is it that I don't deserve a good friend? Do I not deserve understanding? Or is it that I can't be tolerant in the same ways I expect from others. I don't know!
Its all very confusing... its all very sad.
This next year, I need to just pray for roommates that will love me for who I am. I hope to make good friends. I guess, I have learned to rely on God and not on my friends. I've learned that being alone isn't the most horrible thing in the world. I survived last year. I survived rejection. This year, I hope to make friends that will be mine through out my adult life. I don't think I'm being unrealistic. I just ask for atleast one good girl friend
I think what I really want to do is get my plans rolling. I know God is called me to do something amazing... I'm starting to get hints of it. I think what is holding me back is me. I'm so lazy. How can I tell people to read their bibles when I have slipped up? How can I? Its all in the air right now. I think I'm going to go get started. I hope that this blog will keep my hopes and dreams. I hope that I will remember to post in it my prayers and expectations...
Its all very confusing... its all very sad.
This next year, I need to just pray for roommates that will love me for who I am. I hope to make good friends. I guess, I have learned to rely on God and not on my friends. I've learned that being alone isn't the most horrible thing in the world. I survived last year. I survived rejection. This year, I hope to make friends that will be mine through out my adult life. I don't think I'm being unrealistic. I just ask for atleast one good girl friend
I think what I really want to do is get my plans rolling. I know God is called me to do something amazing... I'm starting to get hints of it. I think what is holding me back is me. I'm so lazy. How can I tell people to read their bibles when I have slipped up? How can I? Its all in the air right now. I think I'm going to go get started. I hope that this blog will keep my hopes and dreams. I hope that I will remember to post in it my prayers and expectations...
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