Yes, I know its almost 2am... and I'm still awake... but, one more thing to vent.
I guess I don't let people in very easily. No one really knows everything about me and things that have made me who I am and the things that I struggle with. I suppose I could break it down for them... but, I just don't like talking to people about these things. But, here... I'm going to vent them here.
Number one thing that has made me who I am... relationships and boys. I know it is hard for people to comprehend a single Jessika. One who might be insecure about things. One who is concerned with dating and what not. There was a time... long ago... when I was deeply concerned with having a boyfriend. I dated quite a bit in my day. Sure, I don't talk about it now. I don't really talk about it at all. Mostly because I found the love of my life and I'm sure it would hurt him all the many regretable things I've done with these many non suitable suitors! Testimony number one... these guys have hurt me, used me, broke me, threw me away.
And, though people might say I have no idea what its like because I have a boyfriend right now... I totally do. I use to define myself by who I was dating.
I'm just sick of people pretending like I have no clue. I'm 22 years old. I've kissed so many guys that I seriously can't remember some of their names... pathetic, I know. I've dated a bunch of guys. I can honestly say that I would take it all back if I could now that I have found my guy.
I can't tell you how sad it makes me to know that these girls have put their futures on hold because they like to screw around with the guy they know they won't marry. It hurts me. I haven't done nearly as much with these random guys. Somethings I won't speak of unless it really would help another girl out. Sure, I'm still a virgin, and I will be until my wedding night, but these things have changed the course of my life. And, they are changing the course of these girls lives.
This can be applied to all the many things that I'm thinking about and being dragged down about. I'm sad for these girls.
Am I supposed to just relax and let nature take its course? Do I need to remind myself that they are not at the same stage that I am at?
ok I'm done... I might be able to sleep now... I'll finish my thought tomorrow.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Thank you dear iPod
I'm not even sure what to say here. I have a lot on my mind. I hope I'm not being dramatic about this. Sometimes I feel like I should just ignore it.
I can't imagine living in a house like this for an entire year. I seriously feel dragged down to the floor every time I think of coming home.
Right now, I'm finding peace in Phil Whickam and essentially in God. I'm clinging to him right now. I can't sleep.
You know there has to be something wrong for me to climb out of bed after laying there for 30 minutes and to go try and write a blog at 1am.
I'm sad. I had high hopes. I dying to get closer to God. I'm entering a new state of my life.
Should I just remind myself that not everyone is ready to grow up they way that I am? I need to drag myself up off the ground but, I can't do it on my own.
"I know I must walk by faith and not by sight."
I can't sleep. I can't even think. What am I supposed to do? Its 1am... I have to be up in like 7 hours. But, I'm not content with things.
I wish I could shut my brain off. I wish sometimes things weren't so black and white with me.
I don't think there is a gray area. You are either for me or against me. I know that God accepts the crap because he knows we aren't perfect, but to willingly sin and go on like nothing is wrong is only setting you up for failure.
I suppose it is extremely hard for me in particular to live in a house like this when I hold myself up to different standards. Am I wrong to hold others up to these standards? Am I wrong to expect my friends to accept that I'm not the same as them and that's OK.
So what if you think I'm a prude.
I prayed for my future husband since I like 7. I prayed that he would pure and he would wait for me even before I really knew what that meant. I prayed that he would be a Godly man and he would treat me right.
How could I go and have sex with him when God gave me what I asked for? I've been praying for him that long, how could I ruin that?
None of this is new... none of this should have been forgotten.
Is it my fault some how?
When did people begin to think things would be OK with me?
I sometimes think that I've ruined my reputation as a Christian, which upsets me. I don't want to give up the things I do because I know that they are not sins. However, if they are causing other people to stumble, I need to get the strength to choose my friends over myself.
Ok... I'm done for now. I haven't even really talked about what I'm really feeling. Its hard to think and complain and vent with this beautiful worship music blasting in my ears :)
Thank You Dear IPOD! :)
I can't imagine living in a house like this for an entire year. I seriously feel dragged down to the floor every time I think of coming home.
Right now, I'm finding peace in Phil Whickam and essentially in God. I'm clinging to him right now. I can't sleep.
You know there has to be something wrong for me to climb out of bed after laying there for 30 minutes and to go try and write a blog at 1am.
I'm sad. I had high hopes. I dying to get closer to God. I'm entering a new state of my life.
Should I just remind myself that not everyone is ready to grow up they way that I am? I need to drag myself up off the ground but, I can't do it on my own.
"I know I must walk by faith and not by sight."
I can't sleep. I can't even think. What am I supposed to do? Its 1am... I have to be up in like 7 hours. But, I'm not content with things.
I wish I could shut my brain off. I wish sometimes things weren't so black and white with me.
I don't think there is a gray area. You are either for me or against me. I know that God accepts the crap because he knows we aren't perfect, but to willingly sin and go on like nothing is wrong is only setting you up for failure.
I suppose it is extremely hard for me in particular to live in a house like this when I hold myself up to different standards. Am I wrong to hold others up to these standards? Am I wrong to expect my friends to accept that I'm not the same as them and that's OK.
So what if you think I'm a prude.
I prayed for my future husband since I like 7. I prayed that he would pure and he would wait for me even before I really knew what that meant. I prayed that he would be a Godly man and he would treat me right.
How could I go and have sex with him when God gave me what I asked for? I've been praying for him that long, how could I ruin that?
None of this is new... none of this should have been forgotten.
Is it my fault some how?
When did people begin to think things would be OK with me?
I sometimes think that I've ruined my reputation as a Christian, which upsets me. I don't want to give up the things I do because I know that they are not sins. However, if they are causing other people to stumble, I need to get the strength to choose my friends over myself.
Ok... I'm done for now. I haven't even really talked about what I'm really feeling. Its hard to think and complain and vent with this beautiful worship music blasting in my ears :)
Thank You Dear IPOD! :)
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
freaking why is this happening?
There are several annoyances that I have about my roommates. First of all, when did it become a crime to want to wait until I get married to have sex? Yes, you say that's good for me but, you also talk about it all the time and there I am sitting there thinking how do I join this conversation? Morally, I feel dragged down by all the constant talk about pills and missed periods. F that! :( God created me to be pure and he created me to wait on his perfect timing. I prayed since I was very little that my future husband would be a virgin, that he would be a Godly man and would also have the goal to wait until marriage. God blessed me with Erick, who hasn't even kissed another girl. He was annoyed his aunt kissed him on the lips... and was just complaining about it the other day... that's how much it bothered him. How could I go and ruin what I prayed for for so long?
On top of that, these roommates have other issues that morally drag me down. What am I supposed to do about this? I love Tori. But, I came to this semester ready to grow up and ready to get right. I can't do that with someone who goes to chapel and is all inspired and has all these plans and yet she is cool with getting drunk every weekend and sleeping and smoking pot with her boyfriend. That is not the kind of life I want.
Anyone can have that life! I want to be different. I want to be happy. And, I can't be happy like that.
I couldn't be happy if I had slept with Erick. I would be living with regret. I actually had a conversation about regret last night. And it ended with... "I probably will regret it... but, eh I don't care"
Ok so, how do I fix this? I obviously can't go on living this way. I cannot be apart of this. Its stifling and discouraging. I'm 22 years old. I'm over it! I'm graduating in 4 months! I'm probably going to be ready to get married in a year or so depending on Erick's ability to get a job. I'm not interested in smoking pot... I'm not interested, yet, in having sex. The fact is that I realize how great Erick is to me. How could some one give their body over to someone who isn't awesome like Erick, if not better? These dudes that they are dating treat them like crap too...
Ok I'm rambling. I'm hoping to talk with my good friend Stephanie about all of this tonight... and whoever else is ready to listen. I almost cried about this last night... that's how important it is to me!
On top of that, these roommates have other issues that morally drag me down. What am I supposed to do about this? I love Tori. But, I came to this semester ready to grow up and ready to get right. I can't do that with someone who goes to chapel and is all inspired and has all these plans and yet she is cool with getting drunk every weekend and sleeping and smoking pot with her boyfriend. That is not the kind of life I want.
Anyone can have that life! I want to be different. I want to be happy. And, I can't be happy like that.
I couldn't be happy if I had slept with Erick. I would be living with regret. I actually had a conversation about regret last night. And it ended with... "I probably will regret it... but, eh I don't care"
Ok so, how do I fix this? I obviously can't go on living this way. I cannot be apart of this. Its stifling and discouraging. I'm 22 years old. I'm over it! I'm graduating in 4 months! I'm probably going to be ready to get married in a year or so depending on Erick's ability to get a job. I'm not interested in smoking pot... I'm not interested, yet, in having sex. The fact is that I realize how great Erick is to me. How could some one give their body over to someone who isn't awesome like Erick, if not better? These dudes that they are dating treat them like crap too...
Ok I'm rambling. I'm hoping to talk with my good friend Stephanie about all of this tonight... and whoever else is ready to listen. I almost cried about this last night... that's how important it is to me!
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
This is from a funny website I found when googling what I should name my bike!
Preliminary ResearchBefore you name your bicycle, you need to engage in some serious introspection. Ask yourself these questions:
Am I willing to accept the responsibility that comes with naming a bike? If you name a bike, you’re essentially saying it is no longer an inanimate tool. Now it’s a child, a friend, or at least a household pet. If you’re just going to ride it for a season or two, don’t name your bike. Your casual infidelity toward your bike will not go unnoticed by your bicycle, and it will tell other bicycles. Word will get around.
Why do I want to name my bike? Are you saying something about your riding ability (or lack thereof)? Are you making a joke, or (much worse) a pun? Are you being intentionally whimsical? If you can answer “Yes” to any one of these questions, maybe you shouldn’t name your bike. Instead, maybe you should just wear a funny hat or other attention-getting device.
Can I remember the name I have selected for my bike? If you can’t, maybe you should think of a different name.
Name-Choosing TechniquesOnce you have carefully performed your preliminary bike-naming research, you can use the following techniques to select a name:
Name your book after a favorite movie, book, or song: People understand pop culture references, as long as they’re no more than mildly obscure. If you use too obscure of a reference as a name for your bike, it makes you look like an elitist snot. Also, you’ll get sick of explaining the reference, no matter how gratifying it is to make it clear you know something others don’t. (Note: Movies are an especially useful vein for bike naming, because they allow you to name future bikes as if they were sequels, even if the movie had no sequels. I, for example, look forward to naming a bike Deer Hunter 2: This Time It’s Personal.)
Name your bike after a famous person: If you’re going to anthropomorphize, you may as well go whole-hog and make your bike into a famous person. I recommend naming your bike Richard Nixon. When people ask why, look at them like that’s the silliest question you’ve ever heard, and then say, “Think about it.” If they come up with a good explanation, accept that as correct. This way, you never have to be the one to think of how your bike is like aforementioned celebrity.
Name your bike after a color, prefaced by an adjective: “Big Blue.” “Angry Orange.” “Hateful Pink.” If you do this, you are required to use the actual color of the bike as the color in the name. Calling a green bike “Petulant Brown” is just asking for trouble. Unless you’re color blind, in which case it’s a pretty good joke.
Name your bike after a weapon: The Howitzer. The Arrow. The Hammer. These are all good names. If you’re a girl, you get 13 extra sexiness points for naming your bike after a weapon. I don’t know why, but it’s true. Look it up.
Name your bike after a beloved pet or a childhood (imaginary) friend: But only if you want to be ridiculed for the rest of your life.
These are your instructions. Please use the comments area to tell me what you either have named or are going to name your bike, and I will do my best to provide additional guidance as to the quality of your bike name.
Am I willing to accept the responsibility that comes with naming a bike? If you name a bike, you’re essentially saying it is no longer an inanimate tool. Now it’s a child, a friend, or at least a household pet. If you’re just going to ride it for a season or two, don’t name your bike. Your casual infidelity toward your bike will not go unnoticed by your bicycle, and it will tell other bicycles. Word will get around.
Why do I want to name my bike? Are you saying something about your riding ability (or lack thereof)? Are you making a joke, or (much worse) a pun? Are you being intentionally whimsical? If you can answer “Yes” to any one of these questions, maybe you shouldn’t name your bike. Instead, maybe you should just wear a funny hat or other attention-getting device.
Can I remember the name I have selected for my bike? If you can’t, maybe you should think of a different name.
Name-Choosing TechniquesOnce you have carefully performed your preliminary bike-naming research, you can use the following techniques to select a name:
Name your book after a favorite movie, book, or song: People understand pop culture references, as long as they’re no more than mildly obscure. If you use too obscure of a reference as a name for your bike, it makes you look like an elitist snot. Also, you’ll get sick of explaining the reference, no matter how gratifying it is to make it clear you know something others don’t. (Note: Movies are an especially useful vein for bike naming, because they allow you to name future bikes as if they were sequels, even if the movie had no sequels. I, for example, look forward to naming a bike Deer Hunter 2: This Time It’s Personal.)
Name your bike after a famous person: If you’re going to anthropomorphize, you may as well go whole-hog and make your bike into a famous person. I recommend naming your bike Richard Nixon. When people ask why, look at them like that’s the silliest question you’ve ever heard, and then say, “Think about it.” If they come up with a good explanation, accept that as correct. This way, you never have to be the one to think of how your bike is like aforementioned celebrity.
Name your bike after a color, prefaced by an adjective: “Big Blue.” “Angry Orange.” “Hateful Pink.” If you do this, you are required to use the actual color of the bike as the color in the name. Calling a green bike “Petulant Brown” is just asking for trouble. Unless you’re color blind, in which case it’s a pretty good joke.
Name your bike after a weapon: The Howitzer. The Arrow. The Hammer. These are all good names. If you’re a girl, you get 13 extra sexiness points for naming your bike after a weapon. I don’t know why, but it’s true. Look it up.
Name your bike after a beloved pet or a childhood (imaginary) friend: But only if you want to be ridiculed for the rest of your life.
These are your instructions. Please use the comments area to tell me what you either have named or are going to name your bike, and I will do my best to provide additional guidance as to the quality of your bike name.
Here marks the beginning of the end...
Here marks the beginning of my last semester as a undergrad. Sure, I'll go back to school to get my masters. But, I don't think it will ever be the same. Its sad to see life move so fast. "If you don't stop and look around a while, you'll miss it." - Ferris Bueller
So, this marks the beginning of my one semester long party... adventure is what I'm after. I plan to make this last semester unforgettable and I plan to lose weight and I plan to plan my vacation.
So look out...
So, this marks the beginning of my one semester long party... adventure is what I'm after. I plan to make this last semester unforgettable and I plan to lose weight and I plan to plan my vacation.
So look out...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)