Thank you dear iPod

I'm not even sure what to say here. I have a lot on my mind. I hope I'm not being dramatic about this. Sometimes I feel like I should just ignore it.
I can't imagine living in a house like this for an entire year. I seriously feel dragged down to the floor every time I think of coming home.

Right now, I'm finding peace in Phil Whickam and essentially in God. I'm clinging to him right now. I can't sleep.
You know there has to be something wrong for me to climb out of bed after laying there for 30 minutes and to go try and write a blog at 1am.

I'm sad. I had high hopes. I dying to get closer to God. I'm entering a new state of my life.
Should I just remind myself that not everyone is ready to grow up they way that I am? I need to drag myself up off the ground but, I can't do it on my own.

"I know I must walk by faith and not by sight."

I can't sleep. I can't even think. What am I supposed to do? Its 1am... I have to be up in like 7 hours. But, I'm not content with things.

I wish I could shut my brain off. I wish sometimes things weren't so black and white with me.
I don't think there is a gray area. You are either for me or against me. I know that God accepts the crap because he knows we aren't perfect, but to willingly sin and go on like nothing is wrong is only setting you up for failure.
I suppose it is extremely hard for me in particular to live in a house like this when I hold myself up to different standards. Am I wrong to hold others up to these standards? Am I wrong to expect my friends to accept that I'm not the same as them and that's OK.
So what if you think I'm a prude.
I prayed for my future husband since I like 7. I prayed that he would pure and he would wait for me even before I really knew what that meant. I prayed that he would be a Godly man and he would treat me right.
How could I go and have sex with him when God gave me what I asked for? I've been praying for him that long, how could I ruin that?
None of this is new... none of this should have been forgotten.

Is it my fault some how?
When did people begin to think things would be OK with me?

I sometimes think that I've ruined my reputation as a Christian, which upsets me. I don't want to give up the things I do because I know that they are not sins. However, if they are causing other people to stumble, I need to get the strength to choose my friends over myself.
Ok... I'm done for now. I haven't even really talked about what I'm really feeling. Its hard to think and complain and vent with this beautiful worship music blasting in my ears :)
Thank You Dear IPOD! :)