Blog #212

Yes, I know its almost 2am... and I'm still awake... but, one more thing to vent.

I guess I don't let people in very easily. No one really knows everything about me and things that have made me who I am and the things that I struggle with. I suppose I could break it down for them... but, I just don't like talking to people about these things. But, here... I'm going to vent them here.

Number one thing that has made me who I am... relationships and boys. I know it is hard for people to comprehend a single Jessika. One who might be insecure about things. One who is concerned with dating and what not. There was a time... long ago... when I was deeply concerned with having a boyfriend. I dated quite a bit in my day. Sure, I don't talk about it now. I don't really talk about it at all. Mostly because I found the love of my life and I'm sure it would hurt him all the many regretable things I've done with these many non suitable suitors! Testimony number one... these guys have hurt me, used me, broke me, threw me away.
And, though people might say I have no idea what its like because I have a boyfriend right now... I totally do. I use to define myself by who I was dating.
I'm just sick of people pretending like I have no clue. I'm 22 years old. I've kissed so many guys that I seriously can't remember some of their names... pathetic, I know. I've dated a bunch of guys. I can honestly say that I would take it all back if I could now that I have found my guy.
I can't tell you how sad it makes me to know that these girls have put their futures on hold because they like to screw around with the guy they know they won't marry. It hurts me. I haven't done nearly as much with these random guys. Somethings I won't speak of unless it really would help another girl out. Sure, I'm still a virgin, and I will be until my wedding night, but these things have changed the course of my life. And, they are changing the course of these girls lives.
This can be applied to all the many things that I'm thinking about and being dragged down about. I'm sad for these girls.
Am I supposed to just relax and let nature take its course? Do I need to remind myself that they are not at the same stage that I am at?
ok I'm done... I might be able to sleep now... I'll finish my thought tomorrow.