How can I accept a gift or a date or anything when its completely based off of impressing someone else? You cannot do things to make someone jealous. What happened to the days when you were just interested in me.
I feel like I can't even compete any more... with all this lets make her jealous. For once, just focus on me.

I know that I should have this much hatred running through my bones... but, really I feel so I want certain people to suffer for all the pain that they are causing me.
Again, I know its wrong.
But, where is my justice?
I suppose it is going to be better coming from God than to come from me.
God is a vengeful God... he protects his children.
So I guess that what I have to keep reminding myself :)

I am apalled by an email that I just received from a so-called christian... I have two points... probably more... first of all, I don't get what "And remember only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you: Jesus and Soldiers" has to do with the ability to speak English. Are the soldiers only fighting for those who speak english, because as I remember it, English isn't even the official language of our country. It is ridiculous.

I suppose I have mixed feelings about this whole situation. Sure, I think it is kind of difficult to order things when you enter into a mexican community and everyone speaks broken english... but, I have to say that most second generation people do know both English and Spanish (or whatever their second language is) I think it is ignorant to think that a person should only speak one langauge because you are incapable of speaking a second one yourself.
English is not the official language of our country; it is the most acceptable one but it is not official.
And, lest we forget that most countries have several official languages corresponding with what is popular in their countries and which countries are connected to them. What makes America so much better that we cannot extend a courtasy to an incoming immigrant who speaks a very popular language such as Spanish. If you were to go over there, many try to speak English to help you out.
The fact is that how am I representing Christ by telling people that if you support troops you should speak english. This is the land of the free. We are a mixing pot. We believe and live by our bill of rights. I have the right to do thing and if I want to learn Spanish and have the oppurtunity to speak spanish as a second language, that's what I'm going to do.
If you don't like spanish, you shouldn't live in a mexican community or shop at mexican stores. You should shop at an albertsons in South Caralina or some where not on the border to a mexican countries... or just tough it up. It rarely happens.
so what if there is an option for spanish speakers... does it really inconvience you?? Are you really going to make a big deal about "press 2 for espanol"?
Because if you are... that is freaking stupid!!
I'm done with my rant... I don't expect you to believe what I believe... I just expect you to realize that Jesus didn't speak english... there for it has nothing to do with him dying for you...

Maybe someone needs to see the email before they can really understand my rant

Blog #212

Yes, I know its almost 2am... and I'm still awake... but, one more thing to vent.

I guess I don't let people in very easily. No one really knows everything about me and things that have made me who I am and the things that I struggle with. I suppose I could break it down for them... but, I just don't like talking to people about these things. But, here... I'm going to vent them here.

Number one thing that has made me who I am... relationships and boys. I know it is hard for people to comprehend a single Jessika. One who might be insecure about things. One who is concerned with dating and what not. There was a time... long ago... when I was deeply concerned with having a boyfriend. I dated quite a bit in my day. Sure, I don't talk about it now. I don't really talk about it at all. Mostly because I found the love of my life and I'm sure it would hurt him all the many regretable things I've done with these many non suitable suitors! Testimony number one... these guys have hurt me, used me, broke me, threw me away.
And, though people might say I have no idea what its like because I have a boyfriend right now... I totally do. I use to define myself by who I was dating.
I'm just sick of people pretending like I have no clue. I'm 22 years old. I've kissed so many guys that I seriously can't remember some of their names... pathetic, I know. I've dated a bunch of guys. I can honestly say that I would take it all back if I could now that I have found my guy.
I can't tell you how sad it makes me to know that these girls have put their futures on hold because they like to screw around with the guy they know they won't marry. It hurts me. I haven't done nearly as much with these random guys. Somethings I won't speak of unless it really would help another girl out. Sure, I'm still a virgin, and I will be until my wedding night, but these things have changed the course of my life. And, they are changing the course of these girls lives.
This can be applied to all the many things that I'm thinking about and being dragged down about. I'm sad for these girls.
Am I supposed to just relax and let nature take its course? Do I need to remind myself that they are not at the same stage that I am at?
ok I'm done... I might be able to sleep now... I'll finish my thought tomorrow.

Thank you dear iPod

I'm not even sure what to say here. I have a lot on my mind. I hope I'm not being dramatic about this. Sometimes I feel like I should just ignore it.
I can't imagine living in a house like this for an entire year. I seriously feel dragged down to the floor every time I think of coming home.

Right now, I'm finding peace in Phil Whickam and essentially in God. I'm clinging to him right now. I can't sleep.
You know there has to be something wrong for me to climb out of bed after laying there for 30 minutes and to go try and write a blog at 1am.

I'm sad. I had high hopes. I dying to get closer to God. I'm entering a new state of my life.
Should I just remind myself that not everyone is ready to grow up they way that I am? I need to drag myself up off the ground but, I can't do it on my own.

"I know I must walk by faith and not by sight."

I can't sleep. I can't even think. What am I supposed to do? Its 1am... I have to be up in like 7 hours. But, I'm not content with things.

I wish I could shut my brain off. I wish sometimes things weren't so black and white with me.
I don't think there is a gray area. You are either for me or against me. I know that God accepts the crap because he knows we aren't perfect, but to willingly sin and go on like nothing is wrong is only setting you up for failure.
I suppose it is extremely hard for me in particular to live in a house like this when I hold myself up to different standards. Am I wrong to hold others up to these standards? Am I wrong to expect my friends to accept that I'm not the same as them and that's OK.
So what if you think I'm a prude.
I prayed for my future husband since I like 7. I prayed that he would pure and he would wait for me even before I really knew what that meant. I prayed that he would be a Godly man and he would treat me right.
How could I go and have sex with him when God gave me what I asked for? I've been praying for him that long, how could I ruin that?
None of this is new... none of this should have been forgotten.

Is it my fault some how?
When did people begin to think things would be OK with me?

I sometimes think that I've ruined my reputation as a Christian, which upsets me. I don't want to give up the things I do because I know that they are not sins. However, if they are causing other people to stumble, I need to get the strength to choose my friends over myself.
Ok... I'm done for now. I haven't even really talked about what I'm really feeling. Its hard to think and complain and vent with this beautiful worship music blasting in my ears :)
Thank You Dear IPOD! :)

freaking why is this happening?

There are several annoyances that I have about my roommates. First of all, when did it become a crime to want to wait until I get married to have sex? Yes, you say that's good for me but, you also talk about it all the time and there I am sitting there thinking how do I join this conversation? Morally, I feel dragged down by all the constant talk about pills and missed periods. F that! :( God created me to be pure and he created me to wait on his perfect timing. I prayed since I was very little that my future husband would be a virgin, that he would be a Godly man and would also have the goal to wait until marriage. God blessed me with Erick, who hasn't even kissed another girl. He was annoyed his aunt kissed him on the lips... and was just complaining about it the other day... that's how much it bothered him. How could I go and ruin what I prayed for for so long?
On top of that, these roommates have other issues that morally drag me down. What am I supposed to do about this? I love Tori. But, I came to this semester ready to grow up and ready to get right. I can't do that with someone who goes to chapel and is all inspired and has all these plans and yet she is cool with getting drunk every weekend and sleeping and smoking pot with her boyfriend. That is not the kind of life I want.
Anyone can have that life! I want to be different. I want to be happy. And, I can't be happy like that.
I couldn't be happy if I had slept with Erick. I would be living with regret. I actually had a conversation about regret last night. And it ended with... "I probably will regret it... but, eh I don't care"

Ok so, how do I fix this? I obviously can't go on living this way. I cannot be apart of this. Its stifling and discouraging. I'm 22 years old. I'm over it! I'm graduating in 4 months! I'm probably going to be ready to get married in a year or so depending on Erick's ability to get a job. I'm not interested in smoking pot... I'm not interested, yet, in having sex. The fact is that I realize how great Erick is to me. How could some one give their body over to someone who isn't awesome like Erick, if not better? These dudes that they are dating treat them like crap too...
Ok I'm rambling. I'm hoping to talk with my good friend Stephanie about all of this tonight... and whoever else is ready to listen. I almost cried about this last night... that's how important it is to me!

This is from a funny website I found when googling what I should name my bike!

Preliminary ResearchBefore you name your bicycle, you need to engage in some serious introspection. Ask yourself these questions:
Am I willing to accept the responsibility that comes with naming a bike? If you name a bike, you’re essentially saying it is no longer an inanimate tool. Now it’s a child, a friend, or at least a household pet. If you’re just going to ride it for a season or two, don’t name your bike. Your casual infidelity toward your bike will not go unnoticed by your bicycle, and it will tell other bicycles. Word will get around.
Why do I want to name my bike? Are you saying something about your riding ability (or lack thereof)? Are you making a joke, or (much worse) a pun? Are you being intentionally whimsical? If you can answer “Yes” to any one of these questions, maybe you shouldn’t name your bike. Instead, maybe you should just wear a funny hat or other attention-getting device.
Can I remember the name I have selected for my bike? If you can’t, maybe you should think of a different name.
Name-Choosing TechniquesOnce you have carefully performed your preliminary bike-naming research, you can use the following techniques to select a name:
Name your book after a favorite movie, book, or song: People understand pop culture references, as long as they’re no more than mildly obscure. If you use too obscure of a reference as a name for your bike, it makes you look like an elitist snot. Also, you’ll get sick of explaining the reference, no matter how gratifying it is to make it clear you know something others don’t. (Note: Movies are an especially useful vein for bike naming, because they allow you to name future bikes as if they were sequels, even if the movie had no sequels. I, for example, look forward to naming a bike Deer Hunter 2: This Time It’s Personal.)
Name your bike after a famous person: If you’re going to anthropomorphize, you may as well go whole-hog and make your bike into a famous person. I recommend naming your bike Richard Nixon. When people ask why, look at them like that’s the silliest question you’ve ever heard, and then say, “Think about it.” If they come up with a good explanation, accept that as correct. This way, you never have to be the one to think of how your bike is like aforementioned celebrity.
Name your bike after a color, prefaced by an adjective: “Big Blue.” “Angry Orange.” “Hateful Pink.” If you do this, you are required to use the actual color of the bike as the color in the name. Calling a green bike “Petulant Brown” is just asking for trouble. Unless you’re color blind, in which case it’s a pretty good joke.
Name your bike after a weapon: The Howitzer. The Arrow. The Hammer. These are all good names. If you’re a girl, you get 13 extra sexiness points for naming your bike after a weapon. I don’t know why, but it’s true. Look it up.
Name your bike after a beloved pet or a childhood (imaginary) friend: But only if you want to be ridiculed for the rest of your life.
These are your instructions. Please use the comments area to tell me what you either have named or are going to name your bike, and I will do my best to provide additional guidance as to the quality of your bike name.

Here marks the beginning of the end...

Here marks the beginning of my last semester as a undergrad. Sure, I'll go back to school to get my masters. But, I don't think it will ever be the same. Its sad to see life move so fast. "If you don't stop and look around a while, you'll miss it." - Ferris Bueller
So, this marks the beginning of my one semester long party... adventure is what I'm after. I plan to make this last semester unforgettable and I plan to lose weight and I plan to plan my vacation.

So look out...

How can anyone live with themself when all their flaws are constantly exposed and picked at? They are rubbed sore... I feel like I'm exposed but, God forbid anyone get a word in for once.
I'm not the only lowly crap on this earth. Everyone has a little crap floating around.... and for you, Erick, its how you deal with things that might not be fair... Have you ever tried a piece of humble pie?
I know you might think it... but, I'm not a horrible person... and though I'm not as angel like as stupid freaking Stephanie... neither are you. And the crazy thing is that you will never even know it because your final answer is that I talk to much because I disagree with you!
Stupid!

I'm broken and I can't fix myself

Sometimes, I feel like everyone has sucked every energy from my being dry. I'm just waiting to be refilled. Things are not perfect right now. I look at the world and I'm jealous that they can make it work but, I can't even get a simple dinner. I want there to be passion in my life. I want there to be a drive that could expel all other doubts. I'm so sick and tired of getting the short end... Just for once, can't I have it all and more?
"Pick me. Choose me. Love me" - Meredith Grey - Grey's Anatomy
I feel like laying in a ball and crying all day. I feel like bumping Dashboard and not moving from my bed. I feel to lazy to move.
And, I wish for once someone understood me. Even as vague as I'm being... I need, especially Erick, someone to really get my damage. I'm broken... and I can't fix myself. :(

ok last one I swear

As a side note... this is the third one in the past 2 hours because I'm at work and there is literally no one here!!

Crap... I forgot what I was going to write because I was interupted by yet another text, the ugly side of texting. :)

Oh yes... You know what I love? Last night, we had this conversation about how Mike would drive to San Diego to protect me if I ever needed him to. We talked for like an hour about how they would kill someone if I needed them to. I love my little protectors! Mike has sworn to me, as well as my brother, that if I seriously needed anything I could call them up. I'm not sure if I would call my brother to cry on his shoulder... but, I would definitely call Mike.

Another thing I was thinking of... Mike is such a dear friend of mine. Its so funny because he is probably the only dear friend I have never went any further. I never dated him... I might have had a minor crush on him way back when... but, really not anything to remember considering how insignificant it was.

any way... no one has come to work... I'm going to get lunch. I'm starving!! :)

The story of my life... Fortune Fish were awesome!

haha... I was just thinking... and believe me, this is far from any train of though but it originated from a conversation with Ben, which I'm still currently having through the beautiful invention called TEXTING!

I remember, to this day, the day that I learned what fickle ment. Hilarious! Does anyone remember those "Fortune Fish" http://www.fortunetellerfish.com/?gclid=CPXU5siz3I0CFRpohgod9CYGbA (here is a link if you don't know what they are)... Freaking Hilarious! I wish life was as easy as a fortune fish. Just like life would be easier if I could roll the Yoda dice I broke out of a Taco Bell kids meal magic eight ball thing that is still currently sitting in my letterman's jacket. Life would be splended if life were that easy.

When did life get so hard?
Meredith Grey: "We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop? "

I have a long history of disfunction and baggage. Why can't people accept that I am not anyone else but myself? Why can't people see that I can't be treated like everyone else because of my history? I'm a sensative person. Sometimes things hurt me more than they would hurt others... sometimes things soak in more than they do with others...
All I ask is for you to know me... and love me.
Everyone out there!

Hero

Sometimes I think that I hold my hero and to great of a standard. I was let down yesterday. It made me really sad to think that I have my eyes set on someone who is far from my values then I could have ever thought possible!
I've been thinking, have I let my reputation slip? Do people ignore the fact that i'm a christian these days because I act too much like everyone else? I really need to get on the ball. Its hard to think that ya we have the right to do basically whatever we want, but we need to consider others and most importantly how we are representing the kingdom? How does my freedom to drink represent Christ in a possitive manner? I'm not sure that it does when there are so many bad ideas that come with it.
Mostly, I'm thinking I just need to be considerate of who I am around. I'm not sure that it is right for me to have a drink with my family any more, no matter how fun it might be. I can't let my once a week hang out be clouded by a bunch of regrets and conversations I don't completely feel comfortable hearing.
And, what really brought me to write this is the realization that I cannot hold people to my own values. I'm not supporting illegal behavior or consistant sinning... but, I can't expect them to do something that I have chosen to do. I can only pray and hope that by my example things will emerge better.
So... ya... I had a good day and yet a bad day yesterday.... excuse me for having no interest in smoking (whether it be illegal or not)... excuse me if I have no interest in telling drunk stories and taking shots of petron with the sole purpose of getting hammered.
I am not you. And, I should probably be representing that better. I'm imperfect... but, atleast I try

very good advice

"Next time you feel angry, ask yourself is this something that would make God mad?"
Don't forget God does get mad at things... there are things that he hates, things that make him mad, things that make him sad...

A second response to a know it all

This same argument regarding economic philosophy has progressed into a full scale values attack address whether or not one of my best friends is a "true Christian" or not. It is pathetic to see the this attempt to gain a win by picking apart the very person who has always be a true friend. How can you think so little of this person? And, even more important, how could you see all this bad without even trying to see that she has paid for these sins? We are all sinners in the eyes of God. We all make mistakes that pave our futures in directions we never thought we would go. How can someone ask point blank "have you repented?" with out a hint love and compassion?
I have made many mistakes. These things will decide my future; things that have compromised how some people will look at me and how some people will see my relationship with Christ and my values. I would hate to find that though I have been forgiven from them and I realize for myself that I have made a mistake and continue to work through them with the help of my savior... to find that there are people who only see what has happened and not what has become.
I'm not sure if I could be friends with someone that though he was not directly hurt by my actions, will charge me a fine for my mistakes instead of realizing that I'm already paying an arm and a leg. What ever happened to the love of God?
This person struggles with many things... namely relationships. And yes, she does come with a full load of dysfunction, more than your average bear... but, she is amazingly resilient. She knows her short comings... anyone who knows her can see that. Anyone one who calls her a true friend can see that she struggles day by day to be a woman of God. So what really strikes me today is the lack of attention this so called friend has placed on her. How could he determine for her where her life is heading? The fact is that he has no idea.
I think sometimes, when people try to step in an put pick out logs they fail to realize that they don't even know how because they've never experienced it. These people should realize that there are other people in their lives that do know how. If it is a serious problem, what about confronting a person you know also loves and cares for this person and ask them to talk to this person. It is never your place to presume that you know what is best when it is obvious that you don't.

So, yes... this is probably jumbled. I have many feelings in this matter... and in particular with this person who basically stabbed my best friend in the heart, and didn't care. There is a way to go about things. There is way to talk to people you think are not going down the right path... and making a stand like you are pure and perfect and they are crap... is not it! :) Standing and pretending that you know what it is like... when you obviously don't, is not it!!

In conclusion, If anyone sees me struggling, or anyone struggling, ask yourself do I know how to fix this? Have I been through something like this too? Or is this problem in a class of its own, one that I cannot pretend to understand? Then when you find that you are the person to help... that you are going to be God's child sent to help and encourage... do just that... help and encourage, love and show compassion, be patient! Love is Patient, and love is kind!

That is all! :)

Let me take this moment to ramble about economic theory.
So you don't like the united states? why are you here? why do you take advantage of the democratic freedoms? You go to college for free. You sit in your apartment with your name brand chucks and your hot topic clothes and soak in the air condition while you complain about capitalism and the "big business" which created the lap top you are using to look up your anarchy. *rolls eyes*
I just one thing to say. Go live in the desert, clothe yourself with leaves, and hunt for food... and stop complaining about people taking advantage of the system... when you are one of those people yourselves.

Now, I understand that this has not even ventured into economic theory. But, after talking to this person and hearing his theories on how he'll make a drastic statement buy shutting down some trains with a copper wire. I'm not even sure why I spent my time arguing with him... but, his theory was flawed. Why would he want to damage the very people around him he claims to love by involving himselfs in what could be called a terrorist act by shutting down the train system across the world.

Anyway... I may finish this later... but the fact is that this person is stupid. Stupid emo kid feeling bad that he gets to go to a private college for free... wa wa!

Romantic times at CVS

Its been a tough couple of days. I'm not sure what has become of it because there is still a stale tone as if nothing was fixed. What is the deal? We live our lives worrying about how things hurt ourselves without even considering that we may be doing more damage fighting for what is "true and right". It has just given me a lot time to think of what my values are in life. What do expect from people and what do I expect from myself.

enough with your secrecy... enough with you saying its none of my business... hurry up already and be the person you were born to be!

I really don't know what to say about this. I've been told by this person that it doesn't matter... that its all in my head... that I bring out the worst in people. But, I really don't see how my having my feelings hurt brings out the worst in people. I don't see how my constantly being brought down makes me deserve to be hurt on a daily basis.
What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to just put up with being degraded all the time?

I've never been treated like this in my whole life. I'm punished for disagreeing? I'm punished for being hurt?
I don't know how much longer I can do this... I can't stand being in a relationship where it is so one sided. I'm not happy. Love does not equal impatience. How did it get like this? Is it my fault that he treats me this way? Its sad to think that everything could fall apart because he is too prideful to change.

Find my heart?
Fill me up with your love
accept me for the human that I am
understand that I am not you

smore drink

In our mind, a smore shooter would have caramel Baily's, Godiva liqueur, and amaretto... :)
I'll tell you how good it is next time I go to a bar or have those mixin's which will probably not be any time soon.
That is all...

Oh btw, pray that I get this job at CBU so I can move back on campus and finally buy my new Disneyland pass! :)

Stupid Ben... you are ridiculous... all you do is complain and take from your friends... and you don't give anything back...

You can't come over here every single day and demand only things that Ben likes... screw what everyone else likes. 2 out of 3 people wanted to do this one thing... which haven't been able to do because you are here every single day, and you are brat and wont give anything a chance... 2 out of 3 people wanted to finally do this... screw you if you are going to run away pouting when you finally complain into your way.

Why are we friends with you? You said why would we be friends with Jason... but, why are we friends with you?

Go find someone who will put up with you crap.

Deep seeded emotional issues and scars... stop digging at me, stop being selfish, stop changing the subject, accept your responsibility... grown up? That is all.

A long Summer

Its weird that I haven't been writing here a lot this summer. I've been experiencing new emotions too. Lots of things are happening... too many things, but I just haven't found the time to write them all down. I don't know that I really want to burden people with them either. Its all very dramatic... but, there are things going down that will decide my entire future.
It sucks a little... I'm graduating in one semester... but, I feel like I'm dragging along everything else.
I don't know... I'm having fun these days too... old friends are floating around... old friends and good times. I love seeing Ben all the time and Jason and Caleb and of course Mike. I miss my roommates but they are going to be gone for a while. It will work out! :)
I think I'm going to go now!
I'm hoping to get a job as an Office Specialist making 11-13 and hour for the summer... which is not bad for a summer job!
Pray for me!

Into marvelous light I am running
Out of darkness out of shame

~*~*~*~*~*~*~
God has blessed me with the most amazing people. Though some of them may hurt me... they maybe flakey and self-absorbed. The rest of them, even my newer friends from the past year... are amazing. They accept that I am human. They can help me through them. Maybe, we have become closer by not living with each other, but I hung out with Stephanie and Victoria last night and I have to say that I haven't laughed like that in days. They are amazing women. I admire them.

I'm kind of depressed... and have been the past few days. It is hard to really get into the details. There are too many people that have broken my trust in the past few years. I wouldn't say that my trust is hard to earn... but, this person broke my heart. I feel a lack of connection with this person now. It is hard for me to see a distant future... It is hard for me to see what will happen next because of the things that this person decided to do.
What is different this time? Why have I blindly followed you all these years? I feel stupid... I know its my fault for believing and trusting... but really it sucks!

Bright Spring Morning

Suburban Legends - Bright Spring Morning - The piano version is the best
The time is right to begin
Let’s get going once again
For once in your life just let go
I’m getting sick of everything
Tired of what the next day brings
What I need is for you to follow my lead

The sun is shinning bright outside
I think I’ll go for a ride
I plan not to ever return
Let’s run away from here for good
Forget this dusty neighborhood
The open road is calling and begging for us

Go roll down the window
Go crank up that radio
Let’s drive until we hit the sky
It’s not about where we go
Let’s start living life before we die

If you want you can stay
But you’ll regret the day
That you didn’t follow your dreams
Imagine the wind in your hair
Blowing away all of your cares
So take my hand lets plan never to look back.

The sun is shinning bright outside
I think I’ll go for a ride
I plan not to ever return
Let’s run away from here for good
Forget this dusty neighborhood
The open road is calling and begging for us

[3x]
Go roll down the window
Go crank up that radio
Let’s drive until we hit the sky
It’s not about where we will go
Let’s start living life before we die

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I'm trapped in a little room... waiting for Erick to finish his class. Stupid gas prices... I wouldn't have had to come to school with him other wise. We are going on a much needed date tonight. I love our friends, but sometimes we hang out with them too much and we never get some time to ourselves. You know, I think I've seen Ben every single day this week... which is awesome because I love Ben, but we just need a momment. Its cool too because we are going to have a huge beach trip tomorrow... complete with bon fire and everything! We are leaving at 8 if anyone is interested.
Other than that, tonight is going to be fun. I brought something nice to wear... well semi nice... mostly its just NOT a tee shirt like I usually wear. I'm hoping we can go to Alcatraz Brewing Co. but, as of now we have decided to go to Market Broiler... but, that was before I researched what was at the block. Tu Tu Tango is good too... but, we ate there before, and we could always go to Dave and Busters... but, I think we go there too much to have it be cutesies!
So anyway... I'm crossing my fingers for Alcatraz... but, I won't be disappointed if we have market broiler. That place is "tight" :) Plus, I eat there food all the time since the same place that does their food, does the food for Harvest Cafe and my school's cafeteria!! What kind of craziness does that sound like!! I wonder if other schools have this kind of food too?
any way... I'm done for now... just 20 more minutes and I'm out of here! :)

Its the summer... can you believe it? Its going alright. I still need to find a job. I need to find the chance to go out and look for one. I'll probably pick up some applications tonight... after Erick takes a nap.
One question that is on my mind. What would a 23 year old want with an 18 year old? Doesn't that sound a little fishy? Well, it does for me.

Any way... I'm done! :D

I'll be back later. I just don't have anything to say today.

USC

I completely forgot to say! My roommate Maydelle isn't coming back next semester because she got into the USC film program... and even better she is in the film producing/direction/cinema and television one! Its so exciting!!

Davy Jones, I

I'm done with class... as of yesterday. It is solemn... but, inevitable. What to do with my summer... I've applied to several jobs as receptionists/clerical... with my 65+wpm plus being a senior in college... I do believe I am a sho-in... There are a few in particular that I really really want which are at the Riverside Superior Court... I would like to get into being an anaylist there when I graduate. The Heritage House is hiring interns... but, that's not paid... and I'm leaning toward not wanting to be a teacher right away. Number one, I can't really afford to get my credentials right away. And secondly, I'm starting to realize that I have a greater interest in politics. I think really, I was made to be a mother... not a working mother, but a mother. Obviously, I'm not going to do that right away and that its good that I will have my bachelors degree... but, I'm hoping that in the end, I'll be able to be a stay at home mom for at least the first few years of my babies lives. I know it really made a difference in my life that my mom was there for me. Its a hard job... but, I can't expect someone else to raise my kids. That is ridiculous. That is what is wrong with the school systems today in the first place!!

Anyway... I'm looking forward to working this summer... Hopefully I can get hired soon. I applied to a bunch of jobs... I'll probably call them on Thursday when I am completely moved out and in. :)

DVD cataloge!

Well... I have officially cataloged my DVDs!Here they are... in the order of which I put them in.


Nr. Title: Director: Genre(s):
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1 The Lord of the Rings: The Ret Peter Jackson Action, Adventure, Fantasy
2 Dirty Dancing Emile Ardolino Drama, Music, Romance
3 The Passion of the Christ Mel Gibson Drama
4 Crazy/Beautiful John Stockwell Drama, Romance
5 Volcano Mick Jackson Action, Thriller, Drama
6 The Dangerous Lives of Altar B Peter Care Drama
7 Alice in Wonderland Comedy, Fantasy, Animation, Family
8 Dawn of the Dead George A. Romero Action, Horror, Drama
9 Dodgeball: A True Underdog Sto Rawson Marshall Thurber Comedy, Sport
10 Gone with the Wind Victor Fleming Drama, War, Romance
11 Revenge of the Nerds/Revenge o Jeff Kanew Comedy
12 Animal House John Landis Comedy
13 The Scarlet Letter Robert G. Vignola Drama
14 Crash Paul Haggis Drama, Crime
15 The Sandlot David M. Evans Drama, Comedy, Family, Sport
16 Stand by Me Rob Reiner Drama, Adventure
17 Donnie Darko Richard Kelly Thriller, Drama, Sci-Fi, Mystery
18 Rumor Has It... Rob Reiner Drama, Comedy, Romance
19 "Grey's Anatomy" Season 1 Drama, Comedy
20 The Royal Tenenbaums Wes Anderson Drama, Comedy
21 Ice Age Comedy, Adventure, Animation, Famil
22 Batman Begins Christopher Nolan Action, Thriller, Adventure, Crime
23 Memoirs of a Geisha Rob Marshall Drama, Romance
24 The Lost Boys Joel Schumacher Thriller, Horror, Comedy
25 Inside Man Spike Lee Thriller, Drama, Crime
26 Not Another Teen Movie Joel Gallen Comedy
27 Lord of War Andrew Niccol Action, Thriller, Drama, Crime
28 Poseidon Wolfgang Petersen Action, Thriller, Drama, Adventure
29 Loverboy Joan Micklin Silver Comedy
30 The Good Girl Miguel Arteta Drama, Comedy, Romance
31 Funny Face Stanley Donen Comedy, Romance
32 Beauty Shop Bille Woodruff Comedy
33 Sin City Action, Thriller, Drama, Crime
34 White Noise Geoffrey Sax Thriller, Horror, Drama, Sci-Fi, My
35 28 Days Later... Danny Boyle Thriller, Horror, Sci-Fi
36 Munich Steven Spielberg Thriller, Drama, History
37 The Lord of the Rings: The Fel Peter Jackson Action, Adventure, Fantasy
38 "The Stand" Mick Garris Horror, Drama, Adventure, Fantasy
39 The Island Michael Bay Action, Thriller, Sci-Fi
40 Romeo + Juliet Baz Luhrmann Drama, Crime, Romance
41 Lords of Dogtown Catherine Hardwicke Action, Drama, Sport, Biography
42 Charlie and the Chocolate Fact Tim Burton Comedy, Adventure, Fantasy, Family
43 The Village M. Night Shyamalan Thriller, Drama, Mystery
44 Sleepy Hollow Tim Burton Thriller, Horror, Fantasy
45 Little Women Gillian Armstrong Drama, War, Family, Romance
46 Saw James Wan Thriller, Horror, Crime, Mystery
47 Pump Up the Volume Allan Moyle Drama, Comedy
48 The Girl Next Door Luke Greenfield Drama, Comedy, Romance
49 Dazed and Confused Richard Linklater Drama, Comedy
50 Just One of the Guys Lisa Gottlieb Comedy
51 Rookie of the Year Daniel Stern Comedy, Fantasy, Family, Sport
52 Sleepers Barry Levinson Thriller, Drama, Crime
53 King Arthur Antoine Fuqua Action, Drama, Adventure, War
54 Mean Creek Jacob Aaron Estes Thriller, Drama, Adventure, Crime
55 The Sisterhood of the Travelin Ken Kwapis Drama, Comedy, Adventure, Romance
56 Flight of the Phoenix John Moore Action, Thriller, Drama, Adventure
57 The Little Shop of Horrors Roger Corman Comedy
58 Fever Pitch Drama, Comedy, Romance, Sport
59 Constantine Francis Lawrence Action, Thriller, Horror, Drama, Fa
60 Blow Ted Demme Drama, Crime, Biography
61 Forrest Gump Robert Zemeckis Drama, Comedy, Romance
62 The Lord of the Rings: The Two Peter Jackson Action, Adventure, Fantasy
63 Orange County Jake Kasdan Drama, Comedy
64 The Perfect Score Brian Robbins Comedy, Crime
65 3 Ninjas Jon Turteltaub Action, Comedy, Family
66 Moonlight Mile Brad Silberling Drama, Romance
67 Anchorman: The Legend of Ron B Adam McKay Comedy
68 Pretty in Pink Howard Deutch Drama, Comedy, Romance
69 Lost in Translation Sofia Coppola Drama, Comedy, Romance
70 Empire Records Allan Moyle Drama, Comedy
71 Valley Girl Martha Coolidge Comedy, Romance
72 "Grey's Anatomy" Season 2 Drama, Comedy
73 Star Wars: Episode III - Reven George Lucas Action, Sci-Fi, Adventure, Fantasy
74 Star Wars: Episode II - Attack George Lucas Action, Sci-Fi, Adventure, Fantasy,
75 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Garth Jennings Sci-Fi, Comedy, Adventure
76 Star Wars George Lucas Action, Sci-Fi, Adventure, Fantasy,
77 Star Wars: Episode V - The Emp Irvin Kershner Action, Sci-Fi, Adventure, Fantasy
78 Star Wars: Episode VI - Return Richard Marquand Action, Sci-Fi, Adventure, Fantasy
79 Dressed to Kill Roy William Neill Thriller, Horror, Drama, Adventure,
80 WarGames John Badham Thriller, Drama
81 "Arrested Development" Season Comedy
82 "Arrested Development" Season Comedy
83 "Friends" Season One Comedy, Romance
84 "Friends" Season Two Comedy, Romance
85 "Friends" Season Three Comedy, Romance
86 "Friends" Season Four Comedy, Romance
87 "Friends" Season Five Comedy, Romance
88 "Friends" Season Six Comedy, Romance
89 "Friends" Season Seven Comedy, Romance
90 "Friends" Season Eight Comedy, Romance
91 "Friends" Season Nine Comedy, Romance
92 "Friends" Season Ten Comedy, Romance
93 Pirates of the Caribbean: The Gore Verbinski Action, Comedy, Adventure, Fantasy
94 The Life Aquatic with Steve Zi Wes Anderson Drama, Comedy, Adventure
95 Better Off Dead... Savage Steve Holland Comedy, Romance
96 Deep Impact Mimi Leder Thriller, Drama, Sci-Fi
97 Can't Buy Me Love Steve Rash Comedy, Romance
98 I Heart Huckabees David O. Russell Comedy
99 EuroTrip Jeff Schaffer Comedy, Adventure
100 Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Fa Mel Stuart Comedy, Fantasy, Family
101 Fantastic Four Tim Story Action, Sci-Fi, Adventure, Fantasy
102 Clueless Amy Heckerling Comedy, Romance
103 The Breakfast Club John Hughes Drama
104 I, Robot Alex Proyas Action, Thriller, Sci-Fi, Mystery
105 The Italian Job F. Gary Gray Action, Thriller, Crime
106 Heathers Michael Lehmann Drama, Comedy, Crime, Romance
107 Girls Just Want to Have Fun Alan Metter Comedy
108 Resident Evil: Apocalypse Alexander Witt Action, Horror, Sci-Fi
109 Napoleon Dynamite Jared Hess Drama, Comedy
110 Shaun of the Dead Edgar Wright Horror, Comedy, Romance
111 Beetle Juice Tim Burton Horror, Comedy, Fantasy
112 War of the Worlds Steven Spielberg Action, Thriller, Sci-Fi, Adventure
113 Sixteen Candles John Hughes Drama, Comedy, Romance
114 Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventu Stephen Herek Sci-Fi, Comedy, Adventure
115 American Beauty Sam Mendes Drama
116 Ferris Bueller's Day Off John Hughes Comedy
117 Van Wilder Walt Becker Comedy, Romance
118 Grease Randal Kleiser Comedy, Romance
119 Old School Todd Phillips Comedy
120 Walk the Line James Mangold Drama, Music, Romance, Biography
121 Mean Girls Mark Waters Drama, Comedy
122 Land of the Dead George A. Romero Action, Thriller, Horror
123 Almost Famous Cameron Crowe Drama, Music, Romance
124 The Day After Tomorrow Roland Emmerich Action, Thriller, Drama, Sci-Fi, Ad
125 Dawn of the Dead Zack Snyder Action, Thriller, Horror, Drama
126 10 Things I Hate About You Gil Junger Comedy, Romance
127 Ocean's Eleven Steven Soderbergh Thriller, Comedy, Crime
128 Ocean's Twelve Steven Soderbergh Thriller, Comedy, Crime

my many random thoughts

Just a few words as my semester ends...
Dr. Dan is totally hot!
Am I the only one who likes Critical Political Philosophy?
I will miss the "red light"s and the late night study sessions...
I'll miss Stephanie snoring every night.

I'm disgusted by...

laziness
avoidance
excuses

Go to class... do your homework... and get over yourself. No one wants to do homework... don't act like you are the only one... one of these days you will realize your entire life was built on a pile of excuses!

"Part of the responsibility"

I think my roommates are a bit ridiculous sometimes. They are unrealistic when it comes to the real world. Part of growing up is living on your own... I don't think these girls realize how hard it is to live on your own. you don't just pay a couple hundred dollars in rent... there is electricity, water, gas... on top of that you have food and stuff... and that is just the essentials... what about phonebills, internet, and cable.
I think I realize sometimes my age difference... I don't know what the deal is.

oye... one days they will take their own advice and realize that "part of the responsibility" does not mean to just jump in blindly thinking that everything is going to be cool.

It has been a strange semester. People have come and gone, friendships have been lost along the way. It is sad to think that in just a few months I will probably be one of those people moving on. Graduating is going to set me in a whole new category. Working full time will be something I've never done before, but I'm looking forward to it.
I have on last semester... I'm a little sad that I'm graduating this semester... but, I'm happy that I get to minor in something and I've gotten to experience so many things which I don't think could have happened if I had done it all in four years.
I feel like I've grown a lot. I've become more wise. My meaning has become more evident... and yet more hazy. How does that happen? :)
Well, I'm done. I need to get the most out of the last minutes of this class. I can't believe I've found myself in another summer. Its unbelievable!

I think that certain people are so selfish... Why don't people realize that their actions affect other people. What a thought right? There is no way he can go play games with his friends any more if this is going to happen. How can some one literally be sleeping at 5pm? I don't care how many hours of sleep you got.... its your fault because of how you lay out your day.
why don't you try being more organized so you when you call me you are so rude to me because you are tired.

Just one more picture... so I can put it on my Micechat signature... :)
I'll probably be back later to write about new annoying events!! yay!

you can't see this... but click on it and read what my last semester will be like!!
yay for greekIII

Greek II

So the year end project for Greek II is to begin translating 1John. I started it to day... it is a push to finish but, over all it has been really fulfilling. It is interesting to see what the original Greek says, and it has ultimately made me to decide that I need a new translation, probably a New American Standard. I've known it all along, and the NLT is pretty easy to follow... but, I think that if I really want to understand what its saying, I'll have to try harder :)
Anyway... I'm about half way through 1John2... Its crazy to read it and be like... "I understand!"
I can't chat long... I have a ton of homework to do, including finishing the translations and two book reviews and some other stuff.

Lates yos! Oh, I have some new pictures from my new camera!! Yay for great birthdays!! :)







And, there is much more where that comes from! :)

thank you and goodnight

I think all of my life I have struggled with myself and who I am. It is hard sometimes when I feel that I'm so broken and unrepairable. People don't know how shattered I am inside sometimes. Its my fault that I have become like this.
It is because of this that I cling to people. When you are my best friend... you really are my best friend. I seriously think about you all day. I wonder how you are doing and if you are OK. When you are sad, I really am sad with you. I cry with you. I'd do anything to help you. It is a self-sacrificing love that I have for you. And, because of all of this, it really hurts me to find that it is so casual to you to think that you will pick up shop when you find a girlfriend.
In the exact opposite, I can't allow myself become greatly attached to you and everything you are if you are so quick to throw it all away for a girl. Its freaking ridiculous. I recognize that we are not dating any more... you don't owe me anything. But, I would just want a little consideration. How can you spend the last 3 months with us knowing that its only temporary.
And, any way, it is because of this that I have decided to detach myself emotionally from you... no more good ole times and no more endless nights. It pains me to know that I love you with all of my heart but that just isn't good enough for you.
Thank you and goodnight :)

I'm not quite sure what to say. I have just found out that my roommate is planning on getting a long extention on her classes... To me, it seems like she is such a fake and a liar. She pretends to be sick but, really it is her lack of motivation that prevents her from going to class. I'm the first to admit that having a boyfriend is the first that takes priority over midnight cram sessions and what not, but when you claim that you are too sick but you are capable of going to New York for the weekend and running around town this spring break, it seems to me that you are not too sick to do you freaking homework.
So like I said... I'm not sure what to say about this

Again I Go Unnoticed

So quiet
another wasted night,
the television steals the conversation
exhale,
another wasted breath,
again it goes unnoticed.

Please tell me you're just feeling tired
cause if it's more than that I feel that I might break
out of touch, out of time.
Please send me anything but signals that are mixed
cause I can't read your rolling eyes
out of touch, are we out of time?

Close lipped
another goodnight kiss
is robbed of all it's passion,
your grip
another time, is slack
it leaves me feeling empty.

I'll wait until tomorrow
maybe you'll feel better then
maybe we'll be better then
so what's another day
when I can't bear these nights of thoughts
of going on without you
this mood of yours is temporary
it seems worth the wait
to see your smile again
out of the corner of my eye
won't be the only way you're looking at me then.

UP335

How can I rely on you, if you don't consider me? How can I put myself aside, when there isn't an opportunity to. I don't know what to do or think about next semester. New things happen each year, but I didn't expect it to be so dramatic.
When will you see me as a friend and not as an intruder? When will you think of me as your own and not as a newbie?
It hurts you know? ...to think that I dove in and immersed myself only to find out I was alone.
And, I know I'm not perfect... but, I know that I am growing. It is sad to think that I could possibly be punished for my work in progress, especially when I am trying.
Its just sad.
And, I guess it is time to distance myself. I'm graduating any way I suppose...
Its just sad...

you are so selfish Erick... why are you still sleeping at 2? screw you if you are going to be like this... ruin my freaking day...
I'm sick of you being the center of the world. We do everything that you want to do and nothing I want to do... just for once I'd like to be number one!!!

I've been waiting for this day for too long. I've almost started my week a day early... but, I realize that I need to go to class... :)
I have a freaking quiz today. I guess it is my fault. He asked us if we wanted one, and I suppose the topic isn't a hard one.
Anyway... I'm just going to Con Law and Old Testament Survey and then I'm coming back to nap. :)
Today is my surprise birthday trip/dinner from Erick. I don't know what is going to happen... I did say that I didn't want a surprise, though I think it is mostly for him and his enjoyment. And, for that I will not complain :)
And, anyway I'm looking forward to it completely. I even got new pants which is yay!
I'm excited about the new camera I'm getting next week... and Ben said he was getting me something... I told him not to but, he's insisting... so that makes me excited too!
My roommates will probably forget for the most part. I wanted to go to Disneyland, but I don't think they are going to take me. They said something about a girls night in... which wont be the same as when we originally wanted to do that because we aren't that close any more. Victoria will sit there talking to her boyfriend and Stephanie will probably be in the internet... and I bet Maydelle doesn't even know we are doing something. So that just leaves no one to enjoy a day with me! :) I know it sounds selfish, but the fact is... I don't really want to do something with them if they don't want to with me. On my birthday, I would much rather be hanging out with Erick... possibly going to Ben's concert in Fullerton. That would have been my ideal birthday.

Ok Lates!

The jumbled world of Productionist Metaphysics... and what nots

I'm tired of studying. I feel like I'm stuck in a box... I can't breathe, my chest is tight, my bones are sore... What do I care what Nietzsche things about human nature? haha... well, I actually like this class, but I'm really lacking motivation. I'm stunted by my desire to literally sit there.
I need silence. I'm ultimately desiring something that I cannot have... only at 7am when everyone is still sleeping.
Is that my solution? to wake up at 7 and do my homework? I suppose I could do it during chapel as well. Maybe that is my solution. I'm done with three of the six study questions any way...

I'm currently listening to: Fall Out Boy - The Take Over, The Break's Over

I'm tired. I stayed up until 4:30 doing homework. I suppose it is my fault. I have been very unmotivated... as you should know, since last weeks Greek test. I'm very disappointed. I passed... in fact I got an above average score... but, I don't think I performed at my best and I don't know if I deserve the B I got. I suppose I expect more from myself. However, my confidence has been restored a little. I swore that I completely failed... but, I got an 88. Its vastly different from my previous tests which all ranged in the high As. Who knows... I don't think I really can give it any more time without neglecting my core studies. Considering that I'm not going to be a pastor, that would be absurd.
Anyway... I'm going to go eat with my mom and brother...
So, lates yos!

I'm tired. I had an interesting night to say the least. I went to go bowling with Erick and Ben. It was fun because for the first time I could stroll over to the bar and have a random drink. It was a lot of fun. I didn't have dinner last night... so I didn't realize how the 3 minor drinks would effect me... I'm sure I was entertaining. The lady next to us was drunk after only like 10 minutes of being there... she was so funny. She was giving high fives to everyone and talking to everyone and singing all crazy... it was funny
I think we all know how funny drunk bowlers can be
Anyway... after that we went to get some donuts at "American Donuts no. 5" which is a 24 hour donut store down the street from my school. That was fun. We played Bust a Move for like 30 minutes. I was winning until Ben kept popping in more quarters... I won for like 30 minutes on one quarter.
Anyway... I came home pretty tipsy but not drunk and I went to bed. I hope that Maydelle doesn't realize what happened but, if she did I don't really care. I'm waiting for Erick to wake his lazy butt up so we can go to brunch.
lates

I can tell today is going to be crappy! Boo

Let me quickly laugh at my roommates stupidity. I will not give her sympathy. She stayed up late... and this is because she spent all day watching tv and doing who knows what, instead of doing her homework like she should have been. In fact, she shouldn't have gone to that ACN thing if she was smart of to realize that it would effect her homework. Ya, dumb... what a waste of money.
On top of that, everything you do and say annoys me... and I wish you would stop talking to Erick. You have no business talking to him late at night for hours and you are stupid because you should be writing your paper not talking about crazy nonsense and watching reruns of Heroes on NBC.

Ok lates...
She is freaking dumb! :)

I forgot what I was going to write. It took me so long to get this page to load.
well, I'm in class... Critical Political Philosophy and Post Modernism. Yes, I know I am always in this class when I write a blog... yes, this is true. My teacher tends to go off on tangents in the middle of his lectures, and because of this, I tend to surf the web and take note when he actually says something important or whatever.
oh, you know what? I was going to write about how annoying I think Stephanie, my roommate is. But, I don't really care any more. She's like a child... I just wont hang out with her or tell her anything. She can't handle anything above her stubborn/prideful level.
Can you tell that she really does bug me? Ya, and I'm not the only one.

Anyway... I think I'm going to go play some games. I wish I could find Sonic for my emulator... I'll just settle with donkey kong... since I took out my sims game yesterday :( sad!

my failure :(

I'm pretty sure I failed my Greek test today... and this time it isn't just me not wanting to admit that I did pretty OK. This time I didn't finish the test and I'm pretty the ones I did finish aren't right. oye!! I'm very frustrated and emotionally drained because I stayed up for the past week studying for this test. Its all those stupid verbs!! I can't keep track of imperfects, aorists, and perfects not to mention the active and middle/passive versions of all those and the present and future tenses... omgosh!!
I feel incredibly frustrated.
When I was done, I felt like crying and then I had to go and be a critical thinker in my Cinema class. That was no good. I have a freaking midterm on Thursday... that I thought was going to be a take home... and now I find out it is going to be an in class. Its stupid!

I am currently in class. It is fascinating how much I have grown up over the course of this year. I'm so blessed. Sure, I still have problems but, they aren't inevitable.

I wish I could be in school forever... I seriously would be a permanent student if I was a millionaire. Its kind of not fair that those celebrities don't take advantage of their money. Erick and I were discussing that if we had money we would try and visit every single country... why doesn't anyone do that?

"mmm... bjs and pizza"

On another note, here is a picture of us going on a date... but deciding at the last minute to invite Ben and then driving back to my apartment to wait for him to get off of work.

I guess I have never really been jealous before. I'm really hurt... and its not that I don't trust but because I would like a little attention too. I really trust him, I know that he would never hurt me like that... I feel that a certain relationship is really inappropriate. I just can't do it.
I know I'm being dramatic... I know this will all pass. But, it hurts to know that I'm not always number one... even though I make him number one. It hurts to know that everything I do concerns him... but, I don't receive the same thing. Maybe I shouldn't be so clingy...
It sucks because I thought we were reaching new levels in our relationship and now, I feel stagnant because of this whole thing... boo! And, well in the whole scheme of life, I feel kind of unimportant right now. What am I supposed to do? Do I really have fish for a single complement every single day? We'll see if he can manage to make it here on time... for once.

so I guess it irritates me that you can sleep in for all hours of the day because you stay up until 3 or 4am... and then, my plans get to be ruined. When are you going to grow up and act your age? You have responsibilities. Just because you can sleep until when ever you want to doesn't mean that you should... you have all week to sleep until 1... why do you choose today?

Night of the Living Dead and other Abnormalities!

I have begun my large school project for this year. Its probably the longest paper I have written thus far. Its for my Cinema class. Basically, we are required to pick a subject or theme and discuss how it has change over a period of a decade or how it effected the culture. Its basically noting the social commentary of the movie.
I, being the cute little zombie-loving girl that I am, choose to examine 1958-1968 and the movies The Blob, The Birds, and the all famous... Night of the Living Dead. It is going to be fabulous. I would like to talk about the Dialect of Enlightenment. I think I'll have to buy that book, though I might have a copy of it in my download-able note section for Critical Political Philosophy. Anyway... I'm either doing the progression of Heroism in films during that era or I'm going to do the decades rising technology and depletion of nature... and nature strikes back!
I'm pretty pumped. I would like to write a cohesive paper... but, I wonder if I can combine several themes with in this paper. I feel that these movies represent so much. The Role of Women and the Depletion of the Nuclear family is enough to write a book probably. I think I need to set up an appointment with my professor to figure out what I need to be doing.
I finished my Bibliography today and though it has to grow, I already have 10 great sources!!

Anyway... I think I'm going to ditch my next class and go take a nap. I studied until like 3am when I came home. Let me note on my roommates retarded studying habits. I think it notes her age and maturity... and it kind of annoys me. Its kind of funny... she wonders around the house doing everything before she can sit down to study. Things that don't need to be done right that second. For example, adding another light bulb to the ceiling light. She doesn't know how and knows that Erick will do it for us when he comes home from school... but, insist on wondering around the house trying to figure it out. She finally begins her stuff late at night... around 10pm only to give up on it at 12am to take a nap... I come home to find her sleeping on the study floor and crazed and confused. My question is why don't you just go to bed... you are obviously not doing any work... so you shouldn't pretend that you stayed up all night writing... because it is obvious that you are not. Today, her and my other roommate will complain about how they only got 3 hours sleep when really they slept the whole night with the book on their chest. Unless they are absorbing the words, I doubt they have any room to complain and probably should consider actually studying for real.
I guess those roommates have been bugging me... and I know its none of my business but the problem I find is that they probably shouldn't be living in an apartment. It seems to me that they are struggling with time management and simple stuff that "mom" usually does for them at home... like buying toilet paper. Their child-like attitudes has lead Victoria and I to just buy secret supplies for ourselves to use only. It will probably take them a while to realize that we weren't kidding when we said throw in money for toilet paper... and we were being dramatic when wanted to be told when we were out in order to buy more. Ultimately, it will take the a while to realize that the stuff they are doing is hurting them... They can't pretend that the D they got on the paper (true story) was not their fault when they wrote it in the middle of the night and drifting in and out of consciousness...
At least I know I'm passing! One more semester!!

I am broken by your comments and saddened by your misunderstandings...

A waste of time

I'm on my way to the Mad Caddies concert. Well, as soon as Erick and his "always late" butt gets here. I just ate lunch and he was suppose to be here at 11... and its like almost 1. I'm kind of sick of him lying to me... if he needs more sleep then call me so I can get more sleep. Or he could go to bed at a reasonable time instead of staying up hours staring at his computer. Its stupid... that's all I have to say... just plain stupid!

Just thinking out loud!!

Its very hard for me to talk to Ben sometimes. I understand that he doesn't believe in God... I guess I just think that he should examine both sides. Skimming the bible isn't going to give him both sides nor is owning more than one version. I really think that if he doesn't want to sit down and be neutral, he needs to just read a book based on the argument of God. He has time to read one arguing against God, he should just take the time and know what he is talking about.
I just don't want to argue with him. He practically begged me to give him my blogger address... but, like I said, I just can't do it

Oye... I'm not even going to argue what I think on here. Its ridiculous! :)

I just thought I would think about it to myself...
On another note, I bought my big purchase. I bought a 1gb memory stick pro duo for my PSP... Its all very exciting!! Now, I can put movies directly onto my computer. Its so awesome!! I already put Ferris Bueller's Day Off... and now I'm converting Oceans 12. Its great because now I don't have to buy UMDs... it just doesn't make any sense considering I own most of my favorite movies. Why would I want to buy doubles? and why would I buy a new one on my PSP when I'll just have to buy it on DVD? It just doesn't make sense!!
So yes! I'm pretty pumped! So, that was my semi big present to myself. The other one is my Disneyland pass! I'm so excited about it. 239 bucks right down the drain... and another 100 or so for Erick's pass. Its worth it. Erick bought mine last year. Hopefully, my mom will either pay for a portion of it or help me buy a new digital camera for my birthday present. Its what I really want. My dad wants to get me a TIVO box, though I'm not sure if I want that or if I want a Camera. I think I want a really nice camera... but I don't know yet. For my brother's birthday, they are sending him to Vegas! he's going to be 21... And, I'm thinking that all of us want to come too! My dad and my mom want to invade... and of course Erick and I! :)
Woot woot!

Refund check

Well, I got my refund check today. It was a surprise considering I wasn't expecting it for another week. I'm trying to figure out what I want to buy. I'd like to buy a couple big purchases... last semester I bought a hotel for two nights in Vegas and Erick and I went out to eat a bunch of times. I bought some new clothes but not many... and that was about it. I really would like to buy a Nintendo DS but, Erick thinks I should just be happy with my PSP. I want one still. It would be nice to go some where and not have to share my toys with someone... I'll have two. There aren't really any games I want for PSP right now, so I think that is out of the picture... ok I have to go... Ben and Erick are here! We are going to caddies concert tomorrow if anyone is interested and wants to go

I'm reminded today why Ben and I could not work out. I love him and loved him wholly... however, how could I make a relationship with someone who thinks that love is just your bodies reaction to cravings for emotion and attention. He went on... in his attempt to be philosophical to talk about his thoughts about God. oye... My love and faith in God is not blind. I'm rational about it. Its not just what I feel is right.

I suppose he needs to be subjected to the world a little more. I'm sitting in class right now. We are talking about Existentialism. Its pretty interesting. Basically what we are talking about is that science and seeing the ability of faith are being changed. According to Kierkegaard, a complete believe in science without the use of faith and passion creates in society "The Herd". "An age without passion is an age without value."

I'm kind of putting snip its in here because I'm trying to take notes too... but my point is... science doesn't explain everything and if you think you know everything from an entry level course... than that is dumb! :)
I love you though... but, no :)

It is 4am!!

I'm studying for "Critical Political Philosophy and Post Modernism" and... its freaking 4 am... mostly because I was talking to Erick and he wouldn't shut up! :) He was trying to help me but, I was just trying to make some flash cards and I had to stop talk to him in the middle... and it took me a lot longer to study.
oh well...
I'm not done but I have class at 8 so I have to go!
so... lates yo!

By the way!! 30 seconds to Mar is my new favorite band!!

From Fall Out Boys new CD

Golden by Fall Out Boy

How cruel is the golden rule,
When the lives we lived are only golden plated.
And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me,
Though I carried carats for everyone to see.
And I saw god cry in the reflection of my enemies.
And all the lovers with no time for me.
And all of the mothers raise their babies to stay away from me.

Tongues on the sockets of electric dreams,
Where the sewage of youth drowned the spark of my teens.
And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me,
(Too heavy for me.)
Though I carried carats for everyone to see.
(Everyone to see.)
And I saw god cry in the reflection of my enemies.
And all the lovers with no time for me.
And all of the mothers raise their babies to stay away from me,
And pray they don’t grow up to be...

To the Ds and the Js

You spun your way in
you danced your way around
you mixed the pretenses
and expected a high price ball
but, paid the "ladies free" cover

I had a good weekend... minus the stupid stomach flu... which has been the worse sickness I've ever been forced to endure!
We basically hung out with Ben most of the weekend... Its fun because it brought us back to the days... :D

I miss Erick though... I'm so sad that I'm sick and really lonely :(
And, I want to be taken care!

"You love is deeper..." Phil Wickam

So how was my weekend? It was alright. I've been really sick since Thursday. I spiked a fever as some of you may know from my facebook. I've been really miserable. I haven't really been able to eat anything since Wednesday. Everything makes me nauseous. I missed several classes last week because I was so sick and it sucked. They were classes that I really couldn't miss. I'm feeling better today though... we'll see if I can hold down my lunch. I had 2 tacos and some tater tots from the ADC (My beloved caf).
One fun thing that happened in the midst of the madness was Ben coming over to chill. It was like old times... cheap jokes and wise cracks and a hundred "any whos, any what, any why, etc" competitions later and we went home at 5! It was so much fun and I definitely hope that we get to do it again.

I'm exhausted and yet, I'm still going to be up and running. I hope to wear myself dry and Disneyland. Its like 80 outside... maybe we can go on Grizzly River Run!! :)

OK lates!

Its been a long week and a long semester thus far. I can't believe how stressed everything can be. Its ridiculous.

I don't even have time for myself... just time for Greek and my readings :(

A poem Erick wrote for me

"Floramora"

Your love is alive, a sweet perfume to my heart.
Like the smell of your skin,
it awakens to full bloom my senses and soul.
What do I do when rose petals are so soon apart?
I longingly wait until we again,
close together, share this fragrance, common goal.



I love him so much... and that's what I'm thinking right now!

As or Bs?

After talking with my roommate Stephanie, who was valedictorian of her high school... I took the time realize and explain to her why I was only a 3.0 student. I suppose what is most important from that conversation is that I'm the first to say that I choose hanging out with my friends and experiencing life over a grade. Yes, I am a B student, however that does not mean that I'm not as smart as those who surround me. I just choose to live my life doing the amount of work that provides for me a mere B... I guess every semester I decide that this will be the semester that I liven up my grades and do the required work (that I can do but, choose not to)... I think what I have noticed is that I could have an A in anyone of my classes... I haven't had a class that would be impossible for me to get an A in... except Biology... however, I have chosen friends and life over that A. I don't think anyone is better than the other...
I know that in the end, I wont remember I got a B+ in Non western culture and history, but, I'll remember I met my best friends that year, we had lots of great times hanging out and going to Disneyland. My Erick and I were experiencing great moments in our relationship. And, that's what will be most important!

What brought this topic on was about how I managed a 3.1 or something in high school. I choose during high school to delegate my time to band, church, and hanging out with my friends. School was the last on my list, however I did spend a lot of my time working to get an A in AP US History and Government... which I actually enjoyed! However, the rest of my time went to hang out with my friends and learning to play an instrument. It was important to me then, and I wouldn't change those choices for anything in the world.

I'm just rambling... yet again. I think what I am trying to say is that there is so much more to a grade. Its not just laziness, its how you divide your time.

Critical Political Theory

I'm in class... not much to say. I'm tired. I've been skating by with no sleep, I've been managing though. I'm in my favorite class... Critical Political Philosophy and PostModernism. Its pretty fun and amazing to think outside of the box.
My roommates are bugging me... a couple of them minds of children and have no freaking common sense. They have no idea that you shouldn't wash a freaking strainer in the diswasher because it takes up the entire bottom tray. It just doesn't make sense to clean something like that in the dishwasher when you could just take a second out of your day to clean it yourself...
And where is the freaking consideration at one in the morning when stupid Stephanie is just sitting in the living room laughing as loud as she could and waking both Victoria and I in the other room. She is freaking ridiculous. How inconsiderate can a person be? Her laugh was so piercing... I don't care if something said something funny... you don't need to laugh as loud as you can. You can be freaking respecting of your other roommates... who also pay rent.

Anyway... I think I just need to get away. I'm having a good day though... just Stephanie is freaking annoying!

Future blankies of UP335: Purple and Black

What a long week it has been already, stupid Tuesdays dragging me down and punching me in my face. I'm exhausted. This schedule is really kicking my butt. I've been living my hectic life with like 5 hours of sleep at the most. And, after 2 weeks its beginning to show. Obviously I have to go to bed early, but that is hard when I don't get to see Erick on Monday and Wednesdays until like 9:30-10:00 because his class gets out so late. Stupid Santa Ana being so dang far!!
Anyway... what is new? I can't really think of anything at the momment. I'm trying to get a job at the Financial Aid help desk. I think I could do a really good job at that, if not they have a job open down at the post, which I guess could be ok since Erin works there... but, eh...
Anyway... I'm sleepy and that's final. I think I'll go back to my apartment and continue the long process of building (or crocheting) my new blankie! :)

I'm in a difficult situation. How do I choose the side of my bestfriend and roommate, Victoria, or my long time friend, Jason, who at times could be my bestfriend.
Well, I think many people would think that I should choose Jason because we have more history, but honestly in this situation, I have choose Victoria. It is ridiculous for Jason to think that she wasn't going to tell me every reason why their relationship to fall apart. Even the ones that would embarresse her or the ones that made her wrong, she told me, because I'm her bestfriend and we are honest with each other. Anyway... I'm just apalled by his actions.
I think what people don't realize is that relationships are given and takes. I didn't even realize this until I started dating Erick. Its stupid to argue over little things. Those little things aren't even worth it, and if I did our relationship would never last. And, anyway... if you are having to put more into the relationship that it takes away from you and your well being then you are receiving back... well then you shouldn't be in that relaitonship. Relationships are hard... but, they shouldn't be like that.
Anyway... I'm just rambling. I'm not even speaking in complete thoughts. This thought was already dealt with and discussed between Erick and I to try and figure out what we were going to do... and it was decided ultimately we were on Victoria's side.
The end!!

Anyway.... I'm so tired. I've had a long couple of days... I started school last week and can you believe it, I actually had a quiz on my first day of Greek. And, I have freaking three chapters due on Tuesday... when I'm use to turning in one a week. omgosh!!!
So ya, Greek... you are crazy to me!
oh shoot... I just remembered that I need to watch Land of the Dead for my Tuesday Cinema class. I'm going to talk about how it represent our new millenium with the people's distrust of large companies and rich people and how even if you work your butt off it is very difficult to bring your self to the CEO level!

A long day it has been... we started school. I have an 8am class every day of the week now. I'm going to be so tired. I took two naps today, one was during chapel hour and the other was most recently when I tried to read my constitutional Law book... oh let me find a pic of it so you can see how ridiculous it is!! Its actually a book they use at law school!!
Here's a very small picture... http://product.half.ebay.com/_W0QQprZ44901151QQcpidZ1286817975

Anyway... I tried to read out of it and I got super sleepy... so I took a small nap... and woke up to my roommate laughing hysterically at who knows what... I think she's watching You Got Mail on her laptop.

So, basically, I'm tired and I'm waiting for Erick to get out of class. We had a crisis when we discovered that they changed his classes to 5-10:30pm Wednesday through Saturday... which is absolutely ridiculous!! So he went and talked to his counselor and now he is taking all of his gen. ed this semester and no cooking classes... How can they expect anyone to do the cooking thing if they only offer two classes and the only convient one is closed? crazy school!
Anyway... it worked out which makes me happy!

It bothers me that you stay up so late. You waste all of your awake time joining facebook groops and then you sleep in until late afternoon only to see me for a few hours.... and, than as if that doesn't sadden you enough, you start the whole process over again. Finally, when you are really sad about it, you force me to stay up late and talk to you... even though I have things to do and I don't like sleep in until four just because I can. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you being late and waking up late. I'm sick of me not being able to get a hold of you. I'm sick of you sleeping in and forcing me to drive around after visiting hours because you didn't get to see me enough. Things better change because I have 8am classes this semester... and its just plain annoying!!

I was there!! Only I was on the other side by the horns!

Streetlight Manifesto on the Fall of Ska tour with RBF, Suburban Legends, and Westbound Train!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N050kbvuLZE

I'm feeling sick still. I'm waiting impatiently for my mom to call me back so I can go to grocery shopping. I'm completely out of food. Its a crazy thing not living with your parents. Ya, I do get food from them when I really need it, but its still crazy. I love it.
Can you imagine in a year and a half, Erick and I might be married? I cannot believe it! My wedding ideas have been in the air. Erick has been buying me wedding magazines. :) I think that is absolutely sweet. I don't know why I'm thinking and rambling about this right now. Its just so close. :) I'll be graduated in a year... and I think he will too. I will off to find a good job, and he will be working in a restaurant. He's got almost all As this semester... :) I'm so proud. It will help him find a good job. Everyone who graduates gets a job... but, we are hoping that he gets a better than average job because he graduates in the top percentage of his class... :)
Anyway... I have to go get ready. Erick is going to be here soon. I should stroll down to the book store and take note of the books that I need to buy... I wonder if I can buy them now. I would love to get started with my classes early. I wish I had enough money to buy a new computer... I'm so sad about my computer problems. I'm sad that I have to use Erick's computer... and not my own. But, anyway... the main point was that I need to get ready because Erick and I are going to pick up my new glasses and go to Hot Topic because Erick got a gift card from his sister!
Ok Lates!

Chik-a-fila for lunch makes me happy :)

SO... listen to my day...
it was cool. I went to Disneyland. No big deal... in fact it began horibbly when Erick and I discovered "Mickey and Friends" parking was closed and were being slowly piped to the Anaheim convention center all the way down the street, then as we were walking in to the parking lot of Timon and Pumba to catch the tram into the park, we read a sign saying that Disneyland was full... we crossed our fingers hoping to get in. It wasn't like we needed to buy tickets. Anyway... after all of this frustration... and after waiting like an hour for rides that we normally wait about 10 minutes for we were slowly walking over to ride Buzz lightyear. I was, in the back of my mind, hoping to go home after this ride. It was a long day. I was tired and I didn't really want to wait in any more lines. We took the long way and passed through an eating area which we never eat at and took a short cut through "Club Buzz" or maybe better known as the Tomorrowland Terrace. I figured it was another cover band that always plays there... when Erick was "who is that? those fools look familar". And it was then I looked up to discover SUBURBAN LEGENDS!!!! I was like, "Isn't that Suburban Legends??" and we looked at each other and walked quickly to the large crowd of ska kids that had formed around them. It was so awesome!! We only caught the last 10 minutes of their set, but yes!! this is Disneyland and they had another set at 10!
We called up our friend Brad, you may know him from choir, who is working as a photo guy and went with us to see them at the Streetlight/Reel Big Fish concert a couple of months ago. Anyway... he hurried up with the rest of his work and power walked all the way from one end of Downtown Disney to Tomorrowland where he caught part of the show with us. It was so much fun!! :) I didn't enjoy them as much the second time I saw them. Probaby because I was tired and I was really wanting to see Streetlight Manifesto... the greatest ska band around... and maybe because they are kind of Emo and I went to see a ska band and what I got was a weird choreographed emoish band... whatever... I really enjoyed them when I saw them at Ska is Dead 2 and when I downloaded their cd about a month ago. The point is that I really enojyed them to night!! It was so cool and fun.
Here is a link of them playing at Disneyland about two months ago. I haven't gotten a chance to upload one of their songs from this time... and obviously no one else has either because they aren't up on youtube yet... but, I'm sure they will eventually. Until then... chew on this!! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwVEI2MKVrs

So anyway... we finished the day by hanging out with Brad until closing... hitting a few more rides and ending with Indian Jones. I didn't quite get what I wanted accomplished but, thus is life! :)
I think Erick and I will be back at Disneyland tomorrow... We hear Suburban Legends are playing tomorrow too... and I hope to bring my video camera and a real digital camera not just my phone which by the way had a dying battery... what are the odds?
Ok lates... I'm talking a lot and I would personally like to blame that on the "Tylenol Cold and sore throat NIGHT" :)
Thank you... and have a great day!